Aardvarks.

What exactly are aardvarks? I mean, really. Until eighth grade, I didn’t know they were a real thing. I thought they were like griffins - imaginary creatures that made no sense. But no, they’re REAL. And they look really weird. No, seriously. Go on Google Images and look them up. They don’t even look natural. My sister, upon seeing a picture of an aardvark, said that it looked like a “devolved kangaroo”.

Wikipedia says that “the aardvark is a medium-sized, burrowing, nocturnal mammal native to Africa. It is the only living species of the order Tubulidentata, although other prehistoric species and genera of Tubulidentata are known.” In other words, all of its friends, its cousins, its aunts, uncles, and unspecified relatives are dead. Nobody even knows what they really are. I mean, if I lived in Africa and I met an aardvark, my first response would be either “What the heck is that?” or “Do you even go here?”

Here’s something else. These little freaks of nature are sometimes called “African antbears”. Does that look like a bear to you? It doesn’t to me. It looks like a potato with long legs, a long tail, and an elephant’s nose. Why not call it an “African elephantnose”?

And while we’re on the subject of things that don’t look the way they ought, Wikipedia and various other sources (this didn’t seem right, so I checked) say that Arthur - you know, from that old PBS show? - is an aardvark. Do the artists responsible for Arthur have a picture of a real aardvark? As George Carlin once said, “I bet it don’t look like that!”

And another thing. Nobody really knows how many aardvarks there are in the world, because according to researchers, they’re very secretive. Now, here’s my objection. Aardvarks grow to be 100-130 centimeters long, about 50-65 inches. Do the math. That’s up to almost five and a half feet of devolved kangaroo. They also grow about three feet tall. This thing is not a small animal. You can’t exactly overlook it. “Oops, I didn’t see that thing that’s as long as I’m tall and looks insane”? Maybe not.

I don’t mean to insult the aardvarks. They’re cute, albeit in a very odd way. But I would just like to ask whomever made them... what were you thinking?