I have been noticing a strange phenomenon as of late—one that lives and breathes in the online world. Recently, there have been increasing mentions of the elusive “Real Woman.” Naturally I was curious, as one would be when encountering an unfamiliar and confusing term, so I did a bit of research concerning this new creature.

You are probably wondering, as I was, what a Real woman is. Well, based on my research, I will give you a brief description. Real women have curves, I learned, though what that means exactly isn’t clear. Real women are self-defined and don’t need a man at their side. Some sources said that these women weren’t feminists; others did—more studies are being done now to clear this up. According to the discoverers of this new type of woman, Real women are also very strong and very independent.

Like all species, of course, the Real woman needs a partner: the also-recently-discovered Real man. Real men are chivalrous and open doors for their Real women partners, who they take out on Real dates (which are different, clearly, from dates the rest of the men and women go out on). Real men have muscles, yet they don’t care about their real woman’s body type, even though all real women have curves, as I have previously discovered.

Since some of us men and women have now been categorized as Real, this raises the question: What are the other, not-Real women and men to be called? Scientists right now are furiously working to come up with an answer, but for the purposes of this report, I will simply call those humans who are not real “Fake.”

Fake men and women are the exact opposite of Real men and women. Fake women are weak, skinny, and need a man by their sides. Fake men are scrawny and treat their women horribly.

For some, this new classification has brought an end to a world of confusion—it’s easier now than ever to judge people before you even meet them! Fake men don’t have to talk to Real men, and vice versa. However, the great new system isn’t without problems.

Many men and women simply do not fit into either category, meaning they exhibit some real characteristics and some fake ones. To expand upon this problem, let us meet Bridget Brown. Bridget is a woman of twenty-two years of age who currently lives in one of the United States’ many metropolises. At first glance Bridget appears to be very Fake—she’s got no visible curves and is always hanging around her boyfriend. However, Bridget is very strong and very independent, which are two hallmarks of Real women.

Bridget’s boyfriend, Tom Taylor, isn’t muscular but he treats Bridget well.
Poor Andrea Andrews of New York is curvy, but she isn’t strong or independent!
Loretta Lee from Ohio could be classified as neither curvy nor skinny, so what is she?

How, then, should women and men like Bridget Brown, who are stuck in between Real and Fake, be categorized?

I propose a two-step plan that consists of the following.

First, I believe that the current names of the classifications should be scrapped before they gain too much credibility, because suggesting that skinny Selena is Fake while curvy Carly is Real can cause a lot of confusion. Selena is just as real as Carly, is she not? To be perfectly clear, I see no problem with the organization of the new species, I simply believe that the names should be changed to avoid future problems.

Secondly, I think that the broad classifications should be broken into even smaller ones right away, because the people will demand it eventually. Real men and women can be divided into Extrareal and Sortareal—the same goes for Fake, which can go further to Extrafake and Sortafake. Of course, these names will be different based on what the community decides, concerning the previous paragraph. Distinguishing characteristics for these four groups will have to be determined through research, naturally. From there, each category would of course have to be broken down even further, and I leave it up to my peers to help establish the new classification system along the way. And perhaps, if necessary, a new broad classification or two will be added to help those poor men and women in the middle.

Though the system has a few problems now, once the proper changes are made (following my guidelines!), I will look forward to a new future shaped by this revolutionary system!