Coffee is a trustworthy friend. We have known each other since high school and coffee never fails to be an effective solution to any problem. Coffee is mysterious: hidden behind the thick walls of my mug. Coffee is sophisticated: each sip comes with thousands of flavors exploding in my mouth. Coffee is beautiful: brown foam rims the deep black center pretending to be the pupil and iris of my eyes.

Did you know coffee is healthy too? I read on Reddit the other day that: “A coffee a day, keeps the naps away.” Many websites agree that coffee is great for you. According to Authority Nutrition, there are many benefits to drinking a truck load of coffee a day. Drinking coffee consistently will reduce risks of liver cancer, although it may increase the chance of a heart attack. Coffee will help you burn fat and avoid type-two diabetes, even though many drink it with an excessive amount of cream and sugar. Despite the excessively shaky hands, coffee will effectively prevent Parkinson’s disease!

Wow! Who knew coffee is so good for you! I sure didn’t! With all these benefits, how can I not love coffee and drink as much as I can every day?

If we are drinking a lot of coffee, what time of the day would be best? According to a nonexistent online poll, coffee is best with breakfast. Regardless of what time of the day it is, one can always enjoy a grand cup of coffee while eating breakfast. Even if you normally call a 6:00pm meal dinner, with a cup of coffee you can call that meal breakfast. If you insist that breakfast can only happen in the morning and still want coffee, just remember, it’s morning somewhere in the world.

Though I have never tried them myself, according to A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift, “[a] child . . . is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food . . .”

Swift makes a great point that the world is overrun by annoying children. They waste our food and resources. They force us to drink more coffee, not for recreation but out of frustration. If we convert these kids into food we can get rid of the annoyance of children, solve world hunger, and provide the world with a new, delicious, nourishing, and wholesome meal to go alongside with coffee.

Nevertheless, Swift did not take in to account that children are difficult to consume. All the stupidity makes their meat tough and hard to swallow. In order to introduce to the world this new dish, there has to be a way to make people like eating it. The best and only solution is coffee. Coffee goes well with everything, from sushi to Thai, from Italians to South Africans, from BBQ lab rats to one-year-old babies. There is nothing you can’t get down with some coffee.

People on the internet blaspheme coffee and its power. They say a man named Honoré de Balzac supposedly died from caffeine poisoning. Some say he drank too much coffee and that killed him. This man has to be fictional. Because coffee is safe and perfectly harmless; there is no need to worry that coffee will ever cause death. So ignore these sacrilegious claims, and please do not Google anything along the lines of “dying from drinking too much coffee”, “Can coffee kill you?”, or “Can you overdose on coffee?”. These searches are tainted with blogs, sites, and articles written by evil doers and non-believers who simply want the world to be a worse place.
Even with all the benefits of coffee, a large portion of the world is still unaccustomed to it. Many people have never even had coffee. To end this phenomenon, we need to spread coffee drinking and children eating to the world. In order to do so, the United States must become the dictator of the world and force all subjects to drink coffee and eat their children. Coffee will bring glory our generation. The coffee-loving people will call America the capital of the world. Freedom and equality will be the motto of all humans.

Coffee will make the America great again.