Sometimes I think about killing myself, because I have no reason to live. But then, I think; I have no reason to die, either. Some of you may know that I was really in need of help at around late October-early November, 2012. Around that time, I had too much going on, and I ended up becoming depressed. Although I didn’t know for sure that I was diagnosed with clinical depression until December, I started having these kinds of symptoms as early as September. I was trying so hard to keep myself on task, and I was trying so hard not to make one single mistake at anything I did. I don’t know what else to say for my introduction, but here’s the rest, starting from Day 1.
I was funny and confused at late September. I started feeling lazy, moody, snappy. I thought it was just puberty hormones, and I actually thought I was going to start growing after I’ve gotten past them. They weren’t, and I didn’t. Of course, I believed a bunch of different excuses, never really thinking about me being depressed or anything major. But then they got worse. And worse. And worse. By late October, I’ve started becoming really anti social. I started going inside a dark, closed-up shell. Every day, I would go to school, try to avoid everyone then go home right after. This went on for around a month. But as it went on, during November, it started getting very noticeable. I then went and talked to two of my friends. One told me to go to my counsellor and the other advised me to do something productive, go out more, instead of going home right after school. He told me that a lot of people dealt with more problems and they lived through it. He told me to man up, and everyone had more serious problems and I was just whining. Although I agreed with most of what he said, it was hard to make him understand how hopeless I felt. Once you are depressed, you become really weak; both physically and mentally. You can’t just hit the gym then not be depressed anymore. And I understood how grateful I should have been, how I lived a life better than most people. I forgot to mention that I started working in November, and that was the time where most of my problems escalated. I got really nervous. I started thinking dark thoughts. I felt that, if I just put the noose around my neck and “go", everything would be over. I felt hopeless, like a child trapped inside a box. I could never get out, at least that was my mind set during those months. I started fantasizing on how life would be better if there was a zombie apocalypse(inspired by The Walking Dead), or how life would be a lot more fun if I was stranded on an island with 40 other people(inspired by Lost). As a lot of people who go through depression, they look for a way out. Often, they think that the craziest possible idea, seems so close to reality.
Then there was December. December was really weird for me. I talked to my counsellor about it, and she told me to just reach out to my doctor, etc etc. I just let it all out when I was inside her office(okay, that sounds really disgusting). But, it kind of helped. Well, my friend said it worked for her, so I just believed that talking to the counsellor was working, even though deep inside, I still hoped for that zombie apocalypse. I still hoped for the world to end. I still hoped to have more freedom. The stress must have gotten to me early on, because I began to feel insane. I never really told anyone about this. I was so insecure and I couldn’t even speak normally. The words just came out as slurs and groans. I was too quiet. I felt trapped inside my head. Again, my friend told me that I was just making this whole thing a big deal. But, depression is a physiological problem. You can have all the money in the world, and you can still be diagnosed with depression. Days went by, but the days seemed so distant. I seemed to live in some other world of my own, where everything negative that I experienced in reality, they all went to that world, then I consumed it. It could have went through my soul, my body, everywhere. The base of negativity just surrounded me from that point on. I never experienced something that could make me feel so worthless. I never thought of the idea of fighting depression, I just thought of ending it. More importantly, I just thought of how easy it would be if I died. I mean, Amanda Todd and Felicia Garcia did it.
January, 2013 was kind of my breaking point. I started becoming normal again, well I tried to. I agreed to every invitation to go to the mall, even with just one person. I desperately needed to get out of the house, so I never said no. I started to work out at home, I didn’t realize how out of shape I’ve been since my first encounter with depression. I basically recognized how insane this was all doing to me. Through those rough months, from October to December, I learned about dying. I learned how easy it could be to take my own life, and how hard it was for family members and friends if I really did suicide. During those months, I felt that suicide was the answer. I really did not care any more. All I wanted was to stop waking up every single night in cold sweat, and the idea of failure being drilled into my head. Depression really reminded me how cold the world can be if I’m alone. Well, good thing I’m not, huh?
From September to January, it’s been a rough ride for me. I realized that I was over thinking too much. I was too concerned on the future, and not the present. I saw everything as something more. I feared for the simplest of things. I got lost in my own train of dark thoughts. November was the darkest month of my entire life, I never felt so out of hope, so lost in reality. Everything was moving so fast and I was moving so slow. But through all of this, I’m glad that I got through it. Even if it comes back in the future, I’ll know how to deal with it. I also saw how dependable I am on people; overall, I learned a lot. The most important lesson that I learned was, not how to deal with depression, or how to reach out for help, or any of that. The most important lesson that most of us forget is, that we are all prisoners of our own creation.