There is an epidemic of awkward teenagers in the world today. To help combat this problem top scientists have formulated the proper procedures that must be taken when one is put into a social situation. As for all problems people face, the first and most important step is to identify and accept your problem. For the sole fact that you are reading this, you have a social problem. It may not be to the point of hyperventilating when a member of the opposite gender talks to you, but it must be something equally as pathetic if you’re reading this so take some time to accept you problem. Say it out loud: I’M SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND PROUD! (Or whisper if you really can’t handle the attention you may gain.) The next steps are easy rules that can be used to help you get over your awkwardness or at least have people believe you’re no longer awkward.

Rule #1- Carefully identity your situation. First, make sure to clarify on whether or not are you about to enter a social interaction. Your awkwardness will only show more if you force yourself into an interaction you didn’t have to be a part of. To guarantee that you are about to engage with another human check for eye contact. Make sure the eye contact is longer than two seconds, there is a huge difference between catching and locking eyes. Catching eyes just means that you both happen to be looking that way, engaging with an eye catcher will force you to not only start but to lead the conversation. That should be avoided for the time being, only social butterflies can do those things. Right now you’re the shy grub, and a shy grub doesn’t want to talk unless they have to.

Rule #2- Keep Cool. Your heart is probably racing right now. Your body's shaking and your mind goes blank like that one Spongebob episode, but don’t worry. You know your name and you know that people aren’t out to get you. They just want to talk to you, but if just the thought of that drives you crazy you should stick to practicing on stuffed animals for the first two weeks of your journey.

Rule #3- Keeping eye contact with a human. Yeah, I know I just said eye contact is bad but once you’ve been caught up in a social interaction eye contact becomes a must. Eye contact is crucial when socializing, especially understanding the difference between good and bad eye contact. Good eye contact is looking into their eyes for, at the least, seventy-five percent of the conversation; switching focus between eyes is acceptable as well as staring at the bridge of their nose in some situations. Bad eye contact is looking at the ground during conversations, avoid that as much as possible and if they talk with their hands make sure not to get caught up in whatever their hands are doing, that will only make you dizzy. This rule of watching their hands can be broken if you got caught in a conversation with someone who is deaf or mute. Then looking at their hands is now mandatory, as is knowing sign language. Looking around the room or at their body is also unacceptable. Looking away from the person can be taken as a sign of disinterest which is frowned upon and staring at their body is just creepy.

Rule #4- Establishing interest. They could be the most interesting man in the world or your agoraphobiac neighbor, either why, always act interested in about whatever they’re talking about. Of course, if your agoraphobiac neighbor is out of their home they will be more concerned of getting back into their home then talking to you, so conversations with them will be quick. Showing interest in people makes them feel good about themselves and by making others feel good they’ll make you feel good in return. Shake your head every so often, or answer will a simple: ‘of course’, ‘yeah’, or a ‘oh, really’. Watch your sarcasm level with these short phrases. Keep your comments short if your human likes to talk. In the case that they are more of a contributor than you, you gotta bring out the big guns and contribute back. If you honestly can’t, don’t, the worst thing you can do to yourself is to make things awkward by either being painstakingly wrong or by sounding downright stupid. Any other human could just have that embarrassment roll off their shoulder, but not you, so just K.I.S.S.

K- keep
I- it
S- simple
S- stupid

*Please do not go around kissing people. This is an acronym not a command.

Rule#5- Avoid making them look stupid. Sometimes the human you are trying to talk to will be wrong. It could be from one fact they mention or their entire conversation. Either way, don't be rude when you mention it to them or correct them. Be discrete and kind. Correcting them will only help them, but only do it if you know you're right. There's no need to continue a stupid conversation if you can barely hold a normal one.

Rule #6- Ending a conversation. Now that you've officially engaged in a conversation with another human you should be able to tell when it's over. Awkwardly hanging around a person isn't only awkward for them too, but a little creepy. Leaving before they finish talking is also a bad thing to do. Not only is it rude, but it could hinder you from engaging in future conversations which will also hinder you from becoming a social butterfly. When the other human seems to be looking around or running out of things to say, that tells you the conversation is almost over. You’re almost home free. But wait, do they want you to carry the conversation now? Let's hope not, that’ll be a train wreck, but if that does happen create a reason for you to leave. Things like: 'Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom' or 'Pardon me, I’m having a heart attack' are acceptable reasons to leave a conversation. Do not run. No matter how uncomfortable you feel running away will only draw attention to yourself.

Rule#7- Congratulate yourself. Hooray! Just a little cheer for yourself though, no need to draw unnecessary attention. You did it, you just engaged in a full conversation with a human. Now hold on there, don't start running around the room talking to people now. Keep practicing these simple steps and soon you too will be acting like a normal, functioning human.