I was recently at a sporting event as part of a company outing, and I was struck by the extraordinarily commendable behavior of all of you spectators. I feel that you really embody the spirit of your team and I encourage you to continue to act in this manner at your favorite teams’ games. However, I have a few suggestions for you to further improve your behavior and prove that you are truly the greatest [insert your favorite team here] fan of all time.

The first thing that I want to point out is that you consume an insufficient amount of beverages, especially those that are alcoholic. I believe that it is very important that you are as intoxicated as possible so that you can maximize your enjoyment. You should drink more and encourage your friends and neighbors to drink more as well so that all of you may have a most wonderful time at the game. You will also be helping to spark the economy by buying more food and drinks at the game. After all, spending more money is one way for the economy to begin to grow. That should not be the main reason that you drink alcohol at games. You should do it for your own health and enjoyment.

The consumption of alcohol will also help to facilitate another essential part of any sporting event. It works best in this way: two fans of opposing teams sit next to or near each other, and both follow my first suggestion and become intoxicated. Then, one person makes an offhand remark to his friends or neighbors about how bad the other team is, or about how much his team is destroying the other, or something along those lines. The fan of the other team hears this first person and shouts something offending at him. The first person responds in a similar manner and shouts back. Pretty soon the shouting escalates to a physical fight. This, of course, is the best part of the game for many people, including the two (or more) involved in the conflict, the spectators around them, all encouraging one fighter or the other, and the security people who come in. Remember this: your brawls keep these people employed. Other people will tell you that fighting is bad, but we all know that it is the best and most honorable way to settle any conflict, especially one involving your pride or your team. It is the one of the best ways to show loyalty to your team, and you should be proud whenever you get involved. That is why I believe that it has to happen more often. It is a fantastic way to show support for your team and to emphasize the superiority of your team’s fans over those of another team.

While fighting with other fans is great, the ultimate manifestation of loyalty to your team is to involve yourself in the actual game. This can be yelling at the players, trying to distract them; throwing food, wrappers, cups, or whatever else you can get your hands on at the players; or even going as far as running onto the field or arena. When you do this, it is not sufficient to do it just a little bit; you must be bold and daring and make it completely clear that you are doing it in support of your team. They will, of course, have a great appreciation for your efforts and remember you in the most positive way, especially if you run onto the playing area and you are actually able to interfere with the other team. I would recommend that you avoid seriously injuring the other team, although if you can afford the lawsuit, then I encourage you to try to take out the other team’s best player. Then, you will have really made a difference.

These suggestions that I have made will help you to enhance your experience at a sporting event and perhaps even help your team in a tangible way. If you take these into consideration and put them into practice, I believe that you and those around you will have much more fun at sporting events. Remember that fan loyalty is a great thing that should be shown whenever possible. I hope that you try one of these things at your next sporting event and that your experience there will be great.