Have you ever sat all by yourself in a crowded cafeteria? Everyone else seemed to have friends, but you didn't know anyone. Some people stared, some people laughed among their friends and you didn't know if they were laughing at you or something else. Nobody bothered to offer you to join them. It hurts. Have you ever tried to make a conversation with a group of people only to be ignored? They don't acknowledge your presence, and honestly they don't care. It hurts. Have you ever felt like a disgrace, have you ever been there? Do you know how it feels?

I am the disgrace of my softball team. I am the senior in high school who has played on the team for four years, but still seems to have no skill. “The only reason she is on varsity is because returning seniors can't be on junior varsity.” Some of the girls say. I'm the one who rides the bench and only goes in for one inning. My teachers and my family members ask “Why aren't you in the game. You're a senior.” Words can't describe how much of a gut wrenching feeling this brings upon me. “I am a disgrace, I am a failure.” The words relentlessly repeat in my head. Maybe I should just quit.

If you go back a few years in time, I was drowning in an ocean of loneliness and softball was my life jacket. I was a fourteen year old freshman with no friends and softball was what saved me from that. Softball was what helped me to establish myself in a school filled with cruelty. How can I let that go? How could anyone? Of course things are a lot different now. As a freshman who had absolutely no experience in softball, I played varsity games after my first few practices. I had no clue what to do and I was pretty much placed in outfield, as an attempt to hold the team together. When I started playing softball, my school barely had a team. They needed anyone and everyone they could get, even if they were people like me; worthless.

Times were fun then, though. There are things I know now that I didn't know then. My sophomore and junior year were basically the same ordeal. I started to play field hockey during my sophomore year and I adored it, possibly even more than softball. Yet, in my heart from day number one, I knew I wanted to play softball all of my four years through out high school. Softball and I grew up together. Softball taught me many life lessons and gave me the nudge I needed to grow up.

After my junior years season of softball we had a big exciting banquet at my coaches house. My softball and field hockey coach was the only coach I ever had, a truly amazing lady. I remember it all so well, as if it happened just yesterday, even though it was about a year ago now. The pool, the tons of food, the music, the rewards; the perfect scenery. I left her house feeling content and proud. I knew I was lucky to have such a great coach. A few hours later my happy face was brought to tears by the message I received from her, “Girls, my engagement ring is missing from my jewelry box. If anyone knows/ hears of anything please let me know as soon as possible! Girls, I can't tell you how distraught and betrayed I feel. I know this does not apply to all, but the distrust I feel is immense.” I honestly don't understand how someone could do something like this.

As a form of closure to this failure of a school year and to the malicious act committed by a few unnamed girls. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for hurting my coach, thank you for ruining my last year of softball, thank you for deeply affecting my senior year in general. It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. I hope you realize all of the awful events that have come from your stupidity. However, disregarding my sarcasm, being as serious as I can be, I guess I should thank you for the life lessons.

If you couldn't guess or if you didn't know, my coach does not coach softball anymore. This year I was faced with a decision to make, Do I stay loyal to my coach or do I stay loyal to my team and the idea of softball being my high school sport? Would it be betrayal to play after all that had happened? Does she want me to? Will I be able to play with a new coach who doesn't know my strengths and weaknesses? If I am having a rough day, it won't be known with just a look. There won't be anymore “If you're upset, go take a walk and calm yourself down”, no more deep understandings, hugging me to help me feel better, or anything real passionate. I would have to say goodbye to what I had known and get used to somebody new. My family and my friends all told me that I should play because it was my last year and if I didn't I would regret it. Just like I did when I was a freshman starting out for the first time, I told myself “At least give it a try.”

Here I am now; a bench warmer, watching a freshman fulfill my position. I feel defeated and like nothing I do could change anything. I will not give up, though. I will never give up. Perhaps, this is all just a part of my journey. I got to experience playing on varsity as a freshman, I got to experience being a captain during field hockey season. Now, it's my turn to face something I haven't learned yet. In all my years of high school, I never learned to simply swallow my pride. I guess it's that time.