This one’s for the fellas looking to learn a thing or two.  Let’s be real guys, there’s only one thing worse than that whipped boyfriend who lets his girl come watch football every Sunday with the bros (you know who you are)-- it’s that guy that shows up and thinks we are talking about beer when we say shotgun and laughs inappropriately when we say sack.  (If you don’t know either of those terms in a football context, there’s probably no hope).

To be blunt, just know your place.  If you don’t know sports, either learn or shut your pie hole.  You got invited because we wanted someone else to chip in for food, not because we want to hear you talk out of your you know what.  So either follow this guide, or keep quiet and enjoy the wings you overpaid for.

I wouldn’t recommend putting too much money into a fantasy league without knowing much (definitely do not accept any trades no matter how convincing they are that your first round QB is as good as their backup), however, there’s definitely a big social scene you’ll be missing out on if you’re never getting the invite to come watch some games. 

First of all, please learn the major positions.  Don’t worry about the specifics on the offensive lineman, no one knows who they are anyway.  Just know the important ones so you aren’t clueless.  MAKE SURE you know the quarterbacks starting that day (the guy who’s feeling up the butt on the center) - (don’t worry, it’s part of the game).  This guy touches the ball every single offensive possession.  He’s the guy you’ll love if he wins, and curse out when you lose.  Familiarize yourself with the running back.  He’s the guy that gets handed the ball, does a ton of movements, but 9 out of 10 times ends up getting only a few yards before he gets rocked.  And don’t question why they keep giving it to him even though it’s not working (especially if you're a Giants fan).  They are professional coaches for a reason.  You get the jist, know the guys who will be doing the most action.  If a player keeps doing victory dances after seemingly doing very little, he’s probably someone you want to know.  (Learn the dances and do it with them for bonus points.)

Next, you absolutely need to know the scoring and rules.  Each team gets four tries to go ten yards.  If they do this, it resets and they get another four tries to go another ten yards and so on until reaching the endzone.  If they don’t accomplish this in the first three tries, teams can either punt the ball away to move it down field for the other team, or go for it.   If they can get the ball in the endzone, they get 6 points, and get ready to go wild.  If they don’t do this, they are, in my dad’s words, “f***ing awful”.  After scoring, a team can either kick a short field goal for 1 point or go for 2, where they run a play from the two yard line and have one chance to get the ball in the endzone.  If a team gets to fourth down and are within 40 yards of the endzone, they might go for a field goal worth three points.  This is where the twig that has been on the bench all game has to boot the ball through the yellow goal posts.  If they miss, cover your ears, it’ll get brutal.  You also want to know the major penalties.  Every time the ref throws a yellow flag, it means someone did something against the rules.  If it’s against your team, he’s blind and needs to “go f himself”.  If it’s in your team's favor, get ready to clap.  By the way, don’t be that guy that tries to predict what the penalty was before the ref says.  When your wrong, people WILL get mad at you.  So just shut up and wait.  And absolutely do not ask someone for clarification on what happened.  Just know the different penalties so you won’t look like a fool.

If you know all of this, you will be able to follow along with conversations.  BUT THIS BY NO MEANS IS PERMISSION FOR YOU TO TALK UNLESS SPOKEN TOO.  There is a hierarchy based off of knowledge when watching games.  The one’s who know the most can talk.  These football experts absolutely do not want to hear two cents from someone who doesn’t have much to offer.  You just want to be able to follow along in the off chance one of the almighty ones asks for your opinion.  If they do, don’t blow it or you’ll be finding a new sport to learn.