Ever since I was in elementary school I was told that I was too much. Too loud, too dumb, too fat, too weird. All the kids saw me as “the ugly girl no one wants to talk to.” Day after day I would arrive at school and get bullied & picked on by the kids in my class. I was living in a recurring nightmare of fear and anger. I was mad not only at everyone who made my life a living hell but also myself. “Buck Teeth”, “Stupid”, and “Dummy.” Their words punctured my non-existent ego more than a sharpened sword in flesh. 

By middle school not a lot changed in my peers' behavior, but life was more tolerable. I would occasionally hang out with this group of girls who called me their friend. The bullying leveled down a little bit, never completely going away, but a win is a win. It felt like that group of girls were the only people who could treat me not only with respect but like I was human. ( I had been human my entire life but everyone was too stuck up in their own lives to even notice what they were doing to someone else's.)

We would have sleepovers, do each other's makeup, steal clothes from our mom's closets, and dress up just to make a good video for Snapchat, whatever pre-teenage girls going through puberty would do. But after time they got bored of me, leaving me by myself & them no different than all the other kids in our grade. They went from my closest friends to my worst nightmare all in the time space of a week. All I wanted was to be likable just like everyone else. All I wanted was to be like everyone else. 

Whenever I would build up the courage to talk to my mom about the bullying I would get the same responses each time: “Toughen up”, “That's just life”, or “Nothing they say is true so you shouldn't care.” This resulted in me not having anyone to depend on for comfort or advice, which led my life to keep getting worse as the moments passed. I had no friends, no support system, no happiness, nothing. 

 I felt like I was suffocating in my classmate's nasty comments, struggling to breathe, struggling to make it out alive. I was the mouse chasing after the attention I craved and knew I needed, but ultimately getting stuck in the trap.

I would come home and sit in my room alone crying for hours at a time about how I wish I could be different and change who I was. Looking in the mirror was the hardest part of my day, having to see my reflection that has caused me so much pain and hurt. I felt so pathetic. I was just a pathetic middle schooler who couldn't fend for herself. I was so sick of living my life under a rock and feeling bad for myself. I needed to be free. Deep down inside I knew I had to do something about my life but there was only one thing I could think of that would help me. Change. I decided to change everything about myself for the satisfaction of others since there were too many things wrong with me, and that by itself was the worst & best decision of my life. 

Growing up as a bullied, neglected, slightly extraverted child leads to one of two people: a pathological liar or a people pleaser. Well not so fortunately I became a people pleaser. I learned and practiced how to gain the attention of the people around me, becoming the center of it all the time just by saying a couple of words. The words flowed out of me so effortlessly and I began to love it. I loved the attention, the fame, the recognition. I had actual friends who talked to me for reasons that dont concern how I looked or acted, but just for who I was. I became more than the oversized ugly girl who talks a lot in English class. Not only had I become the author of my own story but I was the main character in others as well. For once my words finally had meaning and so did my life. 

By the end of middle school, I had mastered my art of entertaining, but something changed. I no longer acted out of character for the attention or the laughs, I did it because I genuinely loved it. My actions began to have more value than my words & people began to see the real me. Little did I know all of that would change. 

The intruding comments from my classmates were reintroduced into my life. Their words, stares, and opinions slowly started to objectify my world and everything I did. Some would tell me “Stop trying so hard all the time”, so I would quit whatever I was pursuing, then others would tell me to “Do more! Why aren't you putting in effort” so I would try harder than I was before. I kept changing myself for them class after class and quarter after quarter. Then I felt myself growing smaller in my own body, Shrinking under their glares. Before I knew it I was in the same position I was 4 years prior. Vulnerable & weak with no one to save me. The same paranoid little girl staring at the mirror came back to haunt me, except this time I wasn't the mouse in the trap, I was the cheese. 

My life from an outside perspective was beautiful but at that moment it began to feel so lonely. 

My world was perfect when I was surrounded by people to validate me for my entertaining jokes or my sarcastic personality, but at the end of the day when I got home no one was there anymore, just me and my reflection. At that moment I began to think about my life and look back over the past couple of years in my head searching for a solution. For some form of clarity. I was searching for anything that could tell me why all the work I put into getting where I was now was being flushed down the toilet and forgotten. I was so frustrated with myself that I completely overlooked the bigger picture. I knew that I acted out for attention & played victim so people would feel bad for me, but I didn't need to hate myself because of it. There is only so much a neglected & hurt child can feel when they have zero support system. I realized that Instead of trying to satisfy other people's craving to be the moral enemy I just needed to focus on myself. All I needed was to pay more attention to myself. I was never too much for other people, I just wasn't doing enough for myself. I spent so much time worrying about the opinions of others that I didn't even think about what I wanted to do or how I wanted to move forward. I disregarded my feelings more than anyone had in my entire life which was the real issue. The only real enemy in my story was myself. I was so scared of my reflection because I didn't know who I was looking at. I knew nothing about myself so all I could do was bully myself into thinking I was a terrible person. I knew it was time to let go of my feelings not only for my health but for my growth. I decided at that very moment to change once and for all, but this time it wasn't for other people. I was no longer going to act “normal” to please my peers or to fit in, I was going to be too much for myself.