Nice! I love the concept, and how you took breaks from the imagery to fill them with your hook phrase.   I'm giving this a five stars, for creativity, and it was well organized.   If I will, I have ideas of slight critique that may improve the readers experience. I'm unsure on whether you want me to tell you my advice, though. (Some people have, in the past, boldly asked me for critique, and when I gave it even kindly they weren't very happy. You haven't asked me for my input but I'd be willing to tell you my thoughts only if you wish.) Let me know if you want me to tell you my ideas, friend! Props for taking this poetic quote and making it fresh!