Sometimes I think I'm insane,
That my thoughts aren't normal,
That I'm over reacting.
I wish for bad things to happen to me,
That I deserve them.
I feel like I have to pretend to be happy to others will be too.
I don't want them to worry.
But...
At the same time I do.

My world is cold,

Just like me.

Sometimes I sit outside,
Hoping the cold will numb my pain like it does my body,
And I can pretend to be happy,
Just for a moment.

They say there's something wrong with me,
And I believe there is...

Am I really that different?

I don't want to feel this way,
But I can't control it.
Every night I pray.
I ask to change,
To get better,
To feel something.

He doesn't hear me...

Everyday I wake up disappointed.
Disappointed that I'm still living the life of someone I no longer have to Desire to be.

No one is aloud in.
Few know the old,
The real me.

I've welded the door that keeps the walls up around my heart,
shut.
No one can see my tears.
No more pain,
regret,
thoughts.

I'm done.

I know theirs happiness out there.
I've been chasing it.
Sometimes I get lost,
And the real world engulfs me.
Cutting more of the old me out.

Other times...

It's right in front of me.
But when I reach out to grab it,

It vanishes.

Once again I'm lost.
Left alone to quietly suffer.

Just to keep running,

searching.

I've damaged myself.
Possibly...
Forever.
All because I want something that was never mine.

Happiness.

Love.

It's dangled in front of me.
But when I reach out to grasp it,
They yank it away.
Just for a laugh.

Hold back the tears.

I have to try not to fall,
But I can't tell the truth from the lies.

I am different.

They say they want to help.
But they keep trying to break me.
I'm not there,

Yet.

But my world is crumbling under my feet.

I hate every part of me.

Maybe that's why they feel it's okay...
Okay to turn me.
Into what I am now.

I'm their puppet.
Just another pathetic girl,
Lost in their world.

They don't care about what I do.

They know.

They do nothing.
I need help but,

I'm scared.

I will get better.