I remember how it felt
souring on the swings no fear in sight
giggling until my belly rendered tight
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
holding him in my arms for that very first time
the blind makeovers with the neighbors behind
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to close my eyes and not be afraid of the monsters in the dark
to know that all evil would scurry away at the sound of his precious bark
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to look up at the stars in the sky
lightning bugs and fireflies roaming ever so high
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to get a whiff of that wet-dog fur
and stroke the kitty who let out an innocent teeny purr
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when the officer moseyed in each morning after a long night at work
driving his big old truck for us- an odd but suitable little quirk
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when I started to notice that making ends meet wasn't the easiest of jobs
but he'd still help us look for those funny little frogs
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to wonder if they would ever split up
would my life soon be twisted? wasn't this already enough?
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
that Christmas eve night
the candles this year not nearly as bright
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when we left him that day
he cried to me asking why it had to end this way
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
looking in the mirror wondering what the point of all of this was
pondering the reason for all of the buzz
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to cry out in the silence of the blinding light
wishing this life could be over at the 11:11pm night
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to feel as though this pain inside of me would never disappear
the anxiety that held me captive leaving me with nothing but tears
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when I didn't feel it anymore
when I was so numb down to the deepest part of me-my core
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when I started to forget
the memories, the feelings, the loves all gone- but not entirely so, yet
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
starting to feel again
thinking to myself-maybe I can?
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to let my life begin again
things weren't the same but not as bad as way back then
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to laugh again for the very first time
swinging on the swings like I did back when living didn't feel like such a crime
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to no longer merely exist
but live this life and check things off of that tattered old list
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
when you stole him away from me
still dealing with the pain of things not being how they're meant to be
I remember how that felt.
I remember how it felt
to be me again
at least the new me- cause' I'm not the same as her way back when
I remember how that felt.
I remember it all now
the love, the fear, the pain, the tears
one in the same- experiencing each of them over the years
but it's different now because I won't let you hurt me any longer
your games and your lies-only reminding me of everything I have conquered
so when I look back on all these feelings and remember how they felt
I'll remember that I chose this life- never again letting you discipline me with that belt.
I truly remember how all of that felt
I remember how it felt.
-Amanda F.