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Heartbroken
February 16, 2009
Her heart trembles with sadness,
As they pull the strings of her heart out one by one,
Unraveling her very soul,
Her veins pulse with the agony of grief,
Eyes sting in protest,
Trying not to let the tears cascade down her face,
Her lips quiver,
Teeth sink in,
All in attempt to hold back,
One slip is all it takes,
Her breathing falters,
Coming in short gasps,
All in a wave,
Her emotions break free,
Her tears fall like raindrops after a dead spell,
They roll down the slopes and hills of her smooth face,
Splattering on the floor,
She stands gasping for air,
Grieving with love,
Dying for understanding.
© Emily T., Hillsdale, NY
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This article has 30 comments.
hey_itskatelyn PLATINUM said...
on May. 24 2009 at 1:46 am
hey guys! (author here) i just wanted to make a note that this poem is now being published!!! Not by teen ink, but in a poetry book that will be in print soon. Im soooo excited and will let yall know when i know the title of the book! thanks for all the support!
hey_itskatelyn PLATINUM said...
on May. 6 2009 at 5:13 pm
To Brooke N, yes trying out new styles is always a great thing! it stretches your creativity and keeps your pieces different. Great job in that way. Edyt, yes i totally get what u are saying! That would definitely be a good thing to change. Thanks both of yall for the great comments!!!!!
:)
:)
brooke norman BRONZE said...
on May. 5 2009 at 12:57 am
this is awesome, very well thought out.
and thanks for the comment and the constructive criticism, i appreciate it.
but i do try to write in unique styles, you know kinda just to stand out a bit.
:)
and thanks for the comment and the constructive criticism, i appreciate it.
but i do try to write in unique styles, you know kinda just to stand out a bit.
:)
When you mention drought, it sounds like she's been keeping the tears in for a while, and she's suddenly burst. If this is what you meant, you could try comparing it to a dam that suddenly burst - which is definitely not a good thing - or, if it's the amount of tears that you are emphasizing, you could compare it to a "gushing river" or a waterfall or really anything that moves quickly and powerfully. :)
hey_itskatelyn PLATINUM said...
on May. 4 2009 at 1:29 am
Thanks both of u guys for the advice and helpful criticism. I do understand what u mean, EdytD. I think i was just trying to portray the intense flow of tears by using the phrase about drought. But u are right, a more somber comparison would be more fitting. Thanks:)
Sorry... I don't know if that posted.
Great imagery on this one! The comparisons really bring the poem to life for you reader. Going on what Ian S. said, though, rain after a long spell is usually comforting and is a good thing - if there's a draught, a "cry" is what is needed. I feel like you're not trying to convey a good cry, though, so I would change that comparison. But other than that, it's great and very strong! :D
Great imagery on this one! The comparisons really bring the poem to life for you reader. Going on what Ian S. said, though, rain after a long spell is usually comforting and is a good thing - if there's a draught, a "cry" is what is needed. I feel like you're not trying to convey a good cry, though, so I would change that comparison. But other than that, it's great and very strong! :D
hey_itskatelyn PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 31 2009 at 11:45 pm
Thanks so much for the advice. I was just looking for something to describe the natural lines of her face, so hills came to mind. But I agree I need to find something in nature that reflects the sadness and feelings of the poem. Thanks for commenting and giving your opinion! :]
This is a heartwarming and thoughtful poem! I love the imagery but perhaps you could have replaced the phrase "They roll down the slopes and hills" with different words...your talking about sadness...When I think of slopes and hills I think of green...Green is not what your looking for...maybe ocean? or sea? I do think your poem is great otherwise! Good luck with your writing.
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