To my future husband, I do not know what is wrong

It may be depression, my heart and mind dried up like a flower with no water

It may be anxiety, sweaty palms and shivers

It may be my insecurities popping up all over again

It is all like a water cycle, it never stops

My tears transform into sadness

Later on into anger

And furthermore anxiety

And then it starts all over again

My future husband says, “Well have you looked for help?”

That’s the thing— I can not look for help when I don’t even know what is wrong

I am lost
All of this that I am feeling is like a baby crying at 3 am

Not knowing what it wants

And i am the parent with bags under my eyes, making bottles of milk, swaying side to side, going crazy because I cannot figure out what is wrong

My future husband says, “ Have you gone to see a therapist?”

I can’t go see a therapist when the first thing they ask is

“ How are you feeling?”

I don’t know how i am feeling

All i know is that i want it to stop now
Everything that i am feeling is like i am on a rollercoaster

And as soon as i get off

My emotions are at a stop

Like if I am waiting in line in the hot sun waiting for the next ride

Waiting to do it all over again

My future husband says,” it is okay we will get through it”

Will we really get through it?

When I am crying in the tub about everything that is wrong

When i am insecure about how i look

And i do not believe a single word you say

Complementing me and reassuring me that i am beautiful

Won’t you get annoyed?

My future husband says  “I love you”

And here i go with my insecurity and my anxiety thinking
That he is only saying those three stupid words out of pity

That he knows i am right and only says i love you to give me that little spark inside me

Like a lighter when it’s running out of gas

The look i am giving him, letting him know what i am thinking

My future husband says, “ i really do love you and we will get through this”

But you see the thing is that i do not know if we will

I am an emotional wreck that will push you away
And get mad when you go

Just like a heroin addict trying to go clean

I will stop using and go crazy when I do

I will cry and cry and never tell you why

But i really do hope that this all  works out

And that we stay together forever until the day we die.