My arm stretches,

Extends,

Strains, 

For the November Ocean

That he never witnessed. 

I offer his memory a salty taste

By smearing his shadows with this blue

Across white snow

White, flat, 

Solid, canvas 

Snow.

Popping open the cap-- I spill all over the palette,

Dipping my fingers into the water, 

Covering white canvas.

I am 

Leaving 

Holes of white space--

Space for forgiveness.

My nails are still stained dark blueberry-- 

Dark

As the nights I couldn’t sleep 

When I thought of him.

I lift the cranberry

Slowly.

It won’t fall. 

My eyes are trained on the blood-drop

On my fingertip--

It won’t fall.

Repeating swirling motions,

I allow the stop-light medium to 

Blend 

And blur

And mix

Reminding me of that unclear space 

That he always rests in. 

When I see him 

I’m unsure

If he is drowning in anger 

Or love.

I smudge

And I smear 

The energetic hue

With the rich midnight sky 

But still

I leave white space.

The space

For forgiveness.

Through the blind blurring and blending 

My misty eyes blur. 

On the canvas I birth

Teary-eyed lavender fields

Like the ones in France

That he would have loved.

It’s okay.

I breathe in a lavender scent

As my eyelids flutter to a close. 

Don’t cry.

Maybe he left me a white space. 

Opening my eyes--

I return to the canvas 

Imagining

A desert

Blanketing his ocean, 

His cranberry

His French lavender.

As I smooth out rough edges,

Turning them 

Soft

Like the quicksand that captures me,

I wonder 

How he does it. 

His solid form

Doesn’t melt me

But he has mastered

How to drag, 

How to sink 

Me like a stone. 

He stretches, 

Limbs extended

Over every corner.

The desert dominating

Everything

But 

The white space.

That is left untouched 

Even after I 

Mold his chocolate--

His last color.

The only question now is

How

Will he choose

To fill this white space?

While I keep painting him white in 

Hope

I keep painting me orange 

With regret,

A red-orange

Because Dear, 

Fear is there

Too.

Fear

That he will never tell me

How to fill that white space

For forgiveness

And we will leave

The painting 

Unfinished

Forever.