I should have already achieved more at this age. I should have already been somebody by now. 

My name should have already been known. Instead I sat here and wondered if it was worth it. 

Was it worth giving all my time and energy towards my family? Were all those nights spent 

crying and bleeding worth it? Was it, Sheridan? Was it worth giving your all? Was it worth all 

those nights you spent staying awake? Was it worth it to stay alive? No… that is my answer for 

you. No. So much loneliness, so much death, so much of being left behind. I’m not good 

enough, and I never will be. Too much pressure to be what i’m not. Too much pressure to be 

worthy of others. But I’m not. By the end of the day I'm not. I’m not worth others’ time. I’m not 

even worth my own time. I neglect myself, hoping one day it will kill me. I ignore myself, my 

needs and wants. I sit and listen. I sit and stay like a dog. I try my best to make peace. How 

naive can one person be? It’s as if I were in the middle of the battlefield screaming to stop, 

screaming and pleading for another man's life, however they can not hear me. I sit and hear 

hate, hate, hate, and then some more hate. Then I go home and I walk into war. Never good 

enough, never enough for anyone around me. It’s so easy to get mad, but who wants to have so 

much hate and humiliation in their lives. I want rest, I want love, I want effort, I want peace. 

Women who fight for independence, but rely on a man. Races hating how one another are born. 

Men want sex but refuse to respect a women. The world has become more corrupt than ever. 

So many things that can be changed. So many ways I could have helped. So many things I 

could have said. So many people I could have helped. However I choose to try my absolute 

best to make you happy. Was it fun? All this time was it a joke to you? Or am I just the joke to 

you? All those years of me taking care of you, mom. All those years making me feel little. All 

those years making it feel like my fault. Isn’t that funny and isn’t that cruel? I wanted to be 

somebody. I wanted to be known. I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to be… your first 

choice. I thought you’d choose me this time. I thought you’d finally seen me for me. I thought 

you’d finally understood me. Now I’m a freak. Along with being a disappointment. Moreover, I'm 

weird because I was taught normal was boring.  and it’s all my fault! Why! Why is it always my 

fault? I craved for your acceptance. I could even taste it sometime. Instead I began to drown in 

his expectations. I want nothing to do with that. I want to be enough for you! I wasn’t good 

enough for my father. I wasn’t good enough for Skyla. I wasn’t good enough for Isaiah. I wasn’t 

good enough for anyone! I am so filled with anger. I have nobody. I am alone! Do you not see 

that? Can you not see the desperation on my face. Why do you neglect to see the tears in my 

eyes? You should have just given me to the orphanage as you had planned . I wish at times it 

was me miscarried  instead of Ben. I can only think of how I will go to sleep one day and just die. 

I want to lie and die. So many years of you not being able to think for yourself, depending on a 

man to think for you. So many times humiliating me. So many times hurting me. So many times 

I've forgiven you. So many times! So many excuses. So many times where I had to be an adult. 

So many times where I held my tongue. I gave you all I could. I've walked on. I’ve been hit. I’ve 

been lied to. I’ve been smothered and ignored. Thi…This is what I need to say after all of this. I 

am smart. I am kind. I am talented. I am so much more than what you’ve told me. I am enough! 

In addition I know you can be enough as a mother. That must be what was the most hurtful of 

all. I’ve been taught to hate myself. Engineered to think I'm fat and too skinny all at once. 

Engineered to think because I don't have curves I must be ugly. I must be revolting. Right, 

mom? All those time you picked at me, those times you tried to perfect me. All those examples 

of love have corrupted my mind. I have a hate for men. I have a hate for love. All ending with 

disappointment. All those times who caught you from falling. All the times before when you did 

fall, who was there to pick you up? Who? Who supported you no matter how bad the idea was. I 

sit with you to get laughed at? I never had high expectations for you but…. I just wanted to see 

who you really are sometimes. You hide because of a man? That right there is not love. Acting 

how he wants you to, scared of him. Rethinking something,You used to be so confident in. I 

hoped, I wished, I prayed for God to bring you back to me. Besides he gave me glimpses when 

I wanted the whole picture. I am never happy you say? You want my honesty so bad, huh? Fine, 

I can’t be happy with you because I can’t make you happy. I failed and failed and failed. 17 years 

of rejection. And one day comes a thought of me gone. Me out of the picture. You with your 

husband. I can see your smile. I cause your problems, right mom? I’m just a pest. I annoy you. I 

can’t help but be myself but that once again is not enough. So I sit here and I’ll not be good 

enough. How can I live like that? You tell me. In anticipation I will patiently await your answer.