As a little girl I’ve always been jealous of those kids who go home and cry to their parents

Not because I want them to be sad, I was just always mad 

Because they had a loving dad or mom who just listened as they cried and screamed. 

Those kids, their pain was seen. 

Not like when you watch something on a TV screen,

Where you watch a little bit and then you look away 

This was a different way to say that they were allowed to feel and be real. 

Yet, at five years old I had to act like my heart was made of steel 

And I just wished and dreamed 

That my pain could be seen 

Like those kids are. 

I wished someone could see my scars

And that I could stop having  to stand behind bars 

Of this jail in which no one can seem to bail me out of 

I just wanted someone to tell me my thoughts were wrong and that I was loved

But no one did, so those thoughts don’t soothe instead they are ruthles

They tell me that I’m not worthy of love and completely useless

And I didn’t want anyone to know 

So I hid and squished my pain inside 

Little did I know my identity was going through a great divide 

The person who goes out or the person who stays inside 

Do I face my fears like fight or flight?

Because I don’t think I’m going to win the fight against this life 

And my family says I have to be strong 

Prove that if I smile enough nothing is wrong

But pleasing others has truly become a real task 

Since the real me would just be too much ask 

And simply too much to take in 

No one wants to feel these burdens I keep in 

These problems are so much more than some simple equation

I got too busy putting myself in isolation 

Bc the last time I let someone break in 

To my pain and hurt 

The were just so rest assured 

That there could be a cure 

But if that’s true why am I  still here 

If that’s true why can I not feel 

To be honest I just don’t want to deal 

With the pressures of society 

Because those demons they got to me 

I pushed everyone so far that I lost me

Next time I open up to someone will be my Autopsy