Some things I wish to forget.

I wish I could forget it all,

All the minutes.

All the hours.

All the days.

All the years.

That you spent hurting me.

I wish to forget all the words you called me, the ones that continue to demolish my self-esteem.

¨why can't you do anything right¨

¨why were you born¨

¨No one even likes you¨

 You’re worthless.

 You’re ugly.

 You’re stupid. 

Your voice is deep and evil as you say the words one by one.  Those are some of the very things you said that left sorrow on the inside, bruises that can’t be seen. 

The mirror for me is now a place of terror. Every time I look, all I see are the various names you called me. 

Creating a monster in my head calling me hideous, making me feel anxious, seeing myself as an enormous piece of nothing. 

My brain racing with thoughts faster than a lightning bolt. 

I wish to one day have self-confidence and to see myself as something that matters. 

 I wish to forget the other bruises you gave me too, not the internal but this time the ones you put there physically.  

You made me feel weak like an object not like a human being. 

Just because I made a mistake,

You made my eyes black and swollen, those eyes screaming for help.  

You grabbed my wrists until there were marks of rose red. 

You kicked my ribs not to break them but just enough so I would feel the horrible pain of your foot on my stomach later that night. I can still smell the overpowering skunk-like socks you wore.

You punched just to punch, your strong fists hitting my body, it didn't matter where it hit as long as my face showed suffering.

All this is because of a little mistake, I could never do anything right. 

Sometimes I wonder why you did this. 

I wonder if it is because you were in pain and needed to give it to someone else, If so I hope you are at least happier. 

I wish to one day also be happy but not like you not by hurting others but by helping others.

I wish to forget the way you used me. I was a puppet on a string

You made me uneasy, at the sight of you, I felt queasy. 

I’ll never know if you truly ever loved me like a father should or if sometimes you just acted as you loved me to get the things you wanted like my body. 

I hate myself for falling for your fake acts. 

I hate myself for being scared of your threats and your beatings, why did I give in? 

I hate myself for everything. 

For freezing up, crying instead of fighting. 

For not saying no until I was older. 

For not telling sooner.

I will always hate myself all because you could not control yourself and your nasty desires. 

I wish to one day be able to love myself and for this guilt to disappear. 

I wish to one day not suffer from the anxiety you gave me being close to others.

I wish to one day no longer have these horrid flashbacks and nightmares.

I wish to one day be able to sleep at night and to be alright.  

I wish to one day feel less lonely and miserable. 

I wish to one day get rid of this anger I have at myself, at you. 

I wish to one day use my tears on something more important.

I wish to one day not be fearful of everyone and everything.

I wish to one day be normal. 

I wish to one day forgive you. 

Every day I continue to wonder why I can’t just forget the terrible past and escape it. 

I wish I could forget it all, 

All the minutes.

All the days.

All the hours.

All the years.

That you spent hurting me, but some things I guess you can never forget.