there used to be a tree
right outside my bedroom window
with robins and cardinals
and flowers in the spring

When I was little
sidewalk chalk covered the cement and
there was a little sunflower sprinkler
My dad would grill every Sunday and
the lilacs bloomed into early summer
Sometimes, if I was nice
my older sibling would read to me
late, late, late into the night
and Saturday mornings we would all watch
cartoons together

I was too young to know
in a couple of years my sibling
would start unzipping their veins and
stop talking to me or that
my brothers would move out and
only come back to visit a couple days
a year and my mom would spiral
down
down
down
into depression

I was too young to know
taking too many pills would kill you or that
once you slide the first pill down your throat
the others follow like honey and I was too young
to know when the doctors say you have
Pneumonia
it means your lungs are filling up with
fluid and your mom isn't crying
because the show she's watching is sad but
because the doctor said you wouldn't make it
to Christmas and I was too young to know
the flowers meant I was
drowning
drowning
drowning
from the inside out

I was too young to young
that sometimes goodbye is forever and
sometimes
they don't even invite you to the funeral
and I was too young to know
hearts break quicker than bones and people are always
leaving
leaving
leaving
someone who cares about them

I'm drowning again from the inside out
or maybe the outside in and
there used to be a tree
right outside my bedroom window