I hate the letter S. Not because it offsets me, but because it’s unkind.

It sounds so stupid. It’s commonly used to describe having two of something: Friends, Parents, Games, and more.

It’s the parents one that really makes me hate the letter S. Even though it is a commonly used letter, I still feel a little upset every time I type it and see my cursor back away slowly from the letter.

When I was a child my father was deported, even though I’m too young to remember this incident it affects me still today.

He barely reaches out. I must speak a language I hardly know just to talk to him, and all that conversation does is bring up false hope.

I remember wishing on a birthday candle every year on my birthday, for 8 years in a row, that he could come back. Since he never did that made me disbelieve in magic. I now use my wishes for better.

Even though I’m 13 and have grown up without a father all my life I still catch myself saying “Parents.”

The other day I was talking to my friend and I looked at her and said, “Well I'm not sure if I can, I have to eat dinner with my parents.”  I stopped and stared in front of me taking in what I just said realizing that I only really have a parent, Not parents.

You’re probably thinking 'Just because he isn’t here doesn't mean he’s not your father. You still have parents.' Well not to me. Being a parent is more than just helping make me or being a part of my DNA. Sure, I’m a walking gene of him but I’m my own individual and just being 50% of me doesn't make him my parent. It’s about raising me, loving me, caring for me, it’s about being there.

Although, you may be right thinking he didn’t have a choice to go back, he had the choice to reach out, to talk to me. To be there, even if virtually. My teachers have done it this past year or so, so why can’t he?

I have a parent. Even right now as I’m typing this there are blue lines under the word “Parent” telling me to check my spelling; even spelling software thinks I should have parents.

The point is, it is genuinely aching for me to say parents, and it's equally saddening to say parent when all my other friends can say “parents.”

I know I’m not the only child on earth going through this, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. I wake up every morning knowing my father isn’t waiting for me in the other room. I make sure I don’t slip up and say “Parents” or I have to remember every birthday that the one person I want there most isn’t here.

“Hay que estudiar, para conseguir un buen trabajo, todo depende de eso.”

Well, with all due respect, you haven’t been here. I don’t want you telling me what to do when you can’t even text.

He is why I hate the letter S.