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I've got to decide: kill myself or love myself
I.
You're made of all those little things
That squiggle around inside your brain
Bounce through your skull
And off the walls
Made of things that are not skin and bone
Made of things that only you know
Made of little squiggles only you understand
Until you find other people
Whose squiggles look like your own
And bounce off of each other's squiggles
And when you're young
Those squiggles form weird little dreams
That you miss when you're old but
You're meant for more than you
Understand when you're young and
Your squiggles can change
And so can you
II.
You've made this church
into a gold-slathered idol
This building owns you and you
are a slave to ideation
you've never found in the testaments
You scream of tradition but
that's just one of your pillars
What about reason
What about prayer
What about scripture
Even the religion that you
preach on the corners
doesn't agree with the
paths that you take
You've got the blood sacrifice
dripping from your lips
and the communion wine
is stale on your breath
Your baptismal fount is drowning
you with dirty water
that stopped being holy
a long time ago
III.
The punch must be the
same punch they've been
making for fifty years and
it tastes like blood and memories
the perspective of this building
is in a perspective
that isn't the same I can see it from now everything is different
everything is the same
My cousin is made of constellations and
I miss climbing the tree by the field and
the smell of the altars
and my grandpa's voice praying and
no one ever looks for the prodigal son
what if I don't return
IV.
I'm trying to warn you
Stay away from me
I'm trying to show you
I am not good
I am not holy
I am not pure
I am an infestation
I am swallowing the sun
I am eating it whole
I am trying to scare you away
I am hoping you will realize
I am not who I try to be
I am not who I let you think I am
I am forgetting my morals
I am losing friends quick
I am an infestation and you need to
Stay away from me
V.
The trick is you have to learn
how to live without regrets
The trick is you have to learn
how to forgive yourself
The trick is you have to learn
how to let go of your anger
I think I've figured out that
the trick to being happy is just
to be happy in the easiest ways -
Appreciate car rides full of laughter,
the shape of the clouds and
the light of the moon and the sun.
I think I've figured out that
the trick to being happy is just
if you need to change, change -
Part your hair in the opposite direction or
start sleeping without the fan on and
walk somewhere instead of driving.
If you can't stay like this forever -
don't.
Things can always get better.
The trick is you have to learn
how to let go without hiding from it.
The trick is you have to learn
how to face your problems head-on.
The trick is you have to learn
how to be okay.
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