i hate you, i hate you more

counting out the capri suns and dividing them up

when one inevitably goes missing, fights break out

despite the fact it simply fell to the back of the fridge

wearing fuzzy socks around the house and on carpets

just to take turns shocking eachother in the face

last minute birthday gift shopping at 5 below

no i totally remembered it was the 6th of october

forced to share a seat on the bus cause

mom said so

doing it years later after a bullying incident

afterall the only one allowed to pick on me will always be her

stealing every trinket and toy i can find in her room

only to not notice my ipod mysteriously going missing

discussions on what teachers i should hope for next year

and which ones i should never look directly in the eyes

laughter when she repeats the pranks she’d pull now that she’s in middle school

tears when that same school is on lockdown for a shooting threat

late night binging of “reality” shows and promising

only one more episode 

sitting awkwardly in the backseat on the way to soccer practice

while our dad scolds her for stalling the car yet again

feeling a spark of joy when i see the honda civic coming to pick me up

undoubtedly smelling of a febreze air freshener

and whatever new books she bought from barnes and noble

snickering when the family drama is being circulated during a wedding

holding hands when our family is suddenly one person short

taking me to get fast food when i’ve had a hard day

driving for longer than necessary until our voices are spent

after singing at the top of our lungs to a playlist

but rolling up the windows at stoplights

so the other cars don’t think we’re weird

attending college visits and gawking at the large structures and greenspaces

cheering alongside her when she gets acceptance letter after acceptance letter

complaining about loading the van to move her in for freshmen year

and repeating the action as i struggle to assemble an ikea desk

crying into her shoulder while giving her a goodbye hug

a small squeeze on my lower back letting me know it's time to let go

i don’t want it to be

i love you, i love you more