there was this Girl she was beautiful

her golden waves placed neatly to one side

her white, pearly teeth lined up in the right places

her body, beautiful 

her face, immaculate

If only I was her...

It can´t be hard, right?

so i stopped eating, 

started exercising,

soon enough, it ached

everything ached

i was tired, thin, nearly fragile

my body was paper,

it would blow with a breeze,

judgements would face me,

hard but yet soft,

i´m not giving up,

i´ll just drink lots of water,

and chew gum?

i failed,

i ate a meal

a meal I would regret,

I can´t throw it up,

I try and try 

I guess i´m running 5 miles, tomorrow

why is everyone so pretty? 

And here I am...

thunder thighs, sagging stomach, plethora of chins,

uneven nose, short, quiet and insecure

But why?

why did I only lose 10 pounds?

in a week

i stopped eating

***

sirens roaring, familiar voices screaming, lights flashing

A slight breeze flows through the window

sending shivers up my spine

goosebumps on my forearm

I look to my right 

to find a lovely woman

¨Hello, I´m Demetra, Demetra Rivera.¨

She said in a quiet voice

I studied her body very carefully

She was filled with curves

she was chubby in her chest 

and parts of her thighs

¨Hello¨

I manage to sputter

It took me all my energy

When was the last time I had food?

¨Your so pretty¨

she says, quietly

I stare at her 

as if she just broke in half

no one though I was pretty

ever

I´ve only ever heard

girls at my school given

compliments 

¨thank you demetra¨

¨when I was young

I had dreams,

many actually. some which

I remember vaguely¨.

She sat quietly, admiring the rustly of the trees

¨i used to dream of being the girls

on magazine covers or the influencers on 

social media. they were thin in a way

i liked, but i never though of reality. its different. 

in our status quota, we have many 

unjust sterotypes. go back to the 90s and it

was normal to have thick thighs and short figures.

with what we have memorized and normalized

in modern day society, is concerning. but lets not fall for those 

tricks. youre really beautiful, alle¨

I felt tears trickling,

I tasted the saltiness as it landed in my mouth

I had to energy 

no energy

I couldnt talk 

I wanted to, but I couldnt

¨maybe youve always focused on your body type but you never realized

how beautiful your eyes are, they are like pools of warm earth, hold secrets and stories untold. they are the color of rich, melted chocolate, deep and alluring. Or maybe your skin, its so smooth, and acne immune. you dont understand how many girls would kill to achieve your skin. Or maybe your hair, the way it glistens when sunlight hits. in reality, my thirteen year old version would die to look like you, I would look up to you. w-why do you think low of yourself? why is society pressuring you into thinking you should look like this or that. why alle?¨

i closed my eyes and listened, her voice

was theraputic and inspiring

I never realized my gorgeous features

untill she pointed it out

something about her reassurance made

me feel comfortable

I started crying

suddenly

whimpering like a 2-year old

demetra hugged me 

rested her chin on my head

we both both crying buckets and buckets 

of water

***

i was outside collecting flowers

months after my hospital visit

i´ve recovered from anorexia

i´ve had faint memories of a woman

a woman named demetra

my mind couldn´t find why

she was familiar

my mom was inside

working on some project

I heard screams

someone was screaming

i walked closer to my home

carefully holding my flower bouquet

¨alle! alle! demetra-¨

my mother kneeled down on the grass

her face all white with rivers down her face

i stood quietly, waiting

¨demetra, she´s d-dead¨,

she covered her face with her hands

I could hear,feel,see the sorrow expressed on her 

***

¨Demetra Rivera

June 10, 1949 - September 3, 2015

recover, relive and reunite¨

 i traced the back of her grave stone

the words, ¨"youre okay, alle¨

were engraved in tiny imprints in the corner

barelly seen

at that moment it hit me

this women

saved my life

i owe her my life, my love and my flower bouquet.

i gently placed the flower bouquet in front of her grave