I’m haunted by my grief

I can’t escape her

Her shadow surrounds me

Begging me to stop pushing her away

She wraps her fragile body around me

Constricting my every move

She holds onto me tightly

It’s suffocating

She’ll claw at my heart until it stops

I know it’s not her intention to hurt me

Yet she can’t stop her frantic violence

She’s scared of what she has become

And I can’t help her

There’s no way to bring back the past

I fear I’ll never recreate the tender loving force

She used to be when my pup Lucky and I were still young

I thought maybe one day I’d be able to confront what she’s turned into

But every time we’re face to face

My instinct tells me to run

At night she whispers gentle quiet sobs

“I used to be something you loved”

She is the permanent reminder that he’ll forever be gone

I cover my eyes and ears

I know once I fall asleep I’ll forget this is real

When I awake she’ll scream at me for again disregarding her 

All her agony spills over 

I fear I’ll drown in our shared misery

She thrashes and wails

She’s guilt and pain

Remorse and loss

Anger and dejection

Even though ignoring her won’t make her disappear

It’ll have to suffice until I’m strong enough to accept what I keep hiding from

I wish I could make her understand

It’s not her I hate

I hate that this is how things came to be 

She’s holding me back

Dragging me down

She’s distressed looking for something to love again

But no matter what I try to give her 

In hopes of calming her fears

She’ll growl at me through clenched teeth

Complaining that it’s not Lucky 

How dare I try to replace him?

I swear that’s not what I was trying to do

I’m only trying to live

I’m advocating for co-existence between us

I do my best to be gentle

To face my fears

All my attempts at soothing her have failed

She always meets me with the same rage and torment

So I stay hidden under my blankets

And when I have to leave the house

I do so with my hands over eyes

I’ll wander around blind

In hopes of forgetting she’s there

Maybe one day she’ll completely fade away

But if I keep my eyes closed forever

I think I’m going to fade away with her

There’s no greater struggle for me

Than finding what scares me more

Losing myself

Or facing her