I never got to see your eyes

Till they were already closed

Only in the frames

That hang

On the wall 

Did I get to see the glow

You gave

With your soft gentle eyes

With which you never got to see the world

All the beauty it can hold 

Though it also spared you many pains 

My dear 

So maybe 

That was a blessing

In disguise

I never got to give you a piggy back ride 

Never blew bubbles on your nose

I never got to change your diaper

which might sound weird or dumb 

But it would've totally made my days

And lit my heart 

When you'd squirm

And giggle

And make it hard

I didn't get to touch your face 

Till it was pale and breathless

I never got to see you pace

Like a nervous wreck 

When mom would be late

To pick us up 

From lessons

I never got to hold you 

When you felt restless

I never got to hold your hand

Your gently curled fingers 

Till they were frozen 

Like ice on land

The numb still silently lingers

I never got to run my fingers 

Through your soft curly hair

Or braid it for you in years to come

When you were on your way to class

Or church

Or even just for fun

Sometimes I imagine

What is almost like memory

Things that would've eventually happened 

If you hadn't left so soon

Like how I never got to be the one

To pull you against my shoulder 

Let you tell me all your secrets

That you didn't feel like

Mom and dad could know

First owie

First friend

First fist fight

First period

First kiss 

First love 

All those things 

That it feels like there's no one to go to

To talk to about it 

You could've come to me 

Just cause I was your big sister 

And I would've been the one

You could've come to 

To talk about all your boy drama

And complain about the snobs at class

That stick up their nose to

Someone with down

Even though that's not even within control

And I'd pull you against my shoulder 

With a sisterly kiss on the forehead

And tell you they only look down 

On someone with down

Because they don't know what it feels like 

To be them

And tell you if they picked on you

To send them big sister's way

And I'd deal with them

Because nobody talks bad on my sister 

Or they have to answer to me

I would've walked with you to lessons everyday

I would've colored pictures with you

I would've made you a bracelet

To latch against your tanned skin

To always remind you

A promise to carry 

Big sis is always there

I would've been there at your graduation

Cheering you on

I would've been the one

In the back 

Screaming for you 

Getting weird judgmental glances

From all around

But not caring at all

I'd shout above the crowd 

Cause I'd be cheering for my sister

Like it would be the last thing 

She'd ever hear

And at your wedding 

I would've been there

I would've taken you out beforehand

To get a Mani

A Pedi

A tan

A gorgeous dress that would not make you shine

But simply bring out the shine

You've always had

And show it to the world

Cause there's no dress in the world

That could shine as bright as you

Only embrace the glow

You already show

I would've watched you walk down the isle

Surrounded by flowers 

And light

I would've stood on the side watching 

And cheering

And smiling up at you

With tears in my eyes

Remembering all our our childhood 

Memories

And every time I was by your side

I would've knelt on the floor when you were a baby 

Just learning to crawl

Held my arms out to catch you 

So when you'd fall 

You'd fall into me

Your big sis

I would've held your hand and walked alongside you

From your first steps 

Through your last

When you laughed 

I would've laughed along with you

When you cried I would've caught your tears 

As mine fell

I would've rocked you to sleep as an infant

So mom could get some rest

I'd sing you lullabies I wrote

And hold you tight

Rockabye

Till you fell asleep

When I got home from work to see your smile 

I'd smile 

Because seeing your face would've lit my day

I would've been there for you 

As I should've 

If I could've 

I would've 

Like big sister's should

Dear sister

Dear baby

Dear little one

So gentle 

And precious

I  just want you to know

I know you can't hear me

Though I wish you could

So you'd know what I wish I could've done

I wish I could've lived with you

And watched you grow up

Grow old together 

Been there since birth

I love you 

I miss you

I wish I could've 

Seen you

And touched you

And held you

Before you were gone

But alas, that is not how it was meant to be 

I never got to see you

Or touch you

Or hold you 

Till you had already moved on

But that's okay

I can take comfort 

Based in what I believe 

That your rooted in Heaven 

Forever more be

Where there is no more pain

No more tears

No more death

No more hospital walls

The last of which may seem dumb 

But I find it comforting

Since that's the only place 

You lived your life 

And it's a far cry from where you are now

So dear sister 

I'm happy for you

I'm glad you're in peace

I don't need to hurt

Because I know you're not hurting anymore

And that comforts my heart

Every part

So though it still hurts 

It's okay

Just know

I love you 

I miss you

I wish you were here

But I'm glad you are no longer suffering

And I pray

One day 

I'll meet you in person

And get to meet you

And speak to you

In person

Perhaps in the life to come

Dear sister

Though these may merely be 

The imaginings of a broken heart

Who misses the sister 

She never knew

But I can tell you honestly

When I stand over the grave

The stone 

Under which

I once ago saw you laid

With flowers atop

On which we left for you 

Many claim an aura of gloom 

Is the only thing 

A cemetery 

Can bring forth

And yes 

Tears fill my eyes

As I stand over the stone

But as I look to the sky 

I feel shine

Ray of hope

A gentle breeze

A whisper

Lost in the wind

But maybe

Just maybe

Dear sister

I pray

One day

I'll see you again

But not just see you

Meet you 

With your gorgeous eyes open