One night
I went to sleep
Yes it was just like any other night
I took a shower
Threw on some baggy pajama bottoms
And a tee
A deep sleep
Unusual for me
Maybe I was meant to sleep
So I didn’t see
What they saw
But maybe just maybe it was meant to be me
Instead of you
For what have I done
Compared with what you did
You lived
While I existed
But now neither lives
And I still exist
I always thought you had more soul
Maybe you weren’t the best crayon in the box
But you sure colored more than I did
I could tell by all the people
Leering around at your funeral
More knew you than me
But they all had apologies
Not you… You weren’t sorry
Looking down at us little people
Picking at those tears you often saw me cry
Not caring of my pain
Only once did I see a glimmer of the truth
From you
Most times the truth was cruel and painful
But this time
I realized you had a heart
It just wasn’t meant to be shown to me
I was but a pesky sister
Who took all the attention
From you and them
Yes I always knew
You secretly despised me
It was easy to see
When you ignored me
Always played with them instead of me
Always smile for her
But the only smile I got was at my expense
I didn’t deserve it
It wasn’t my fault
I’m not blaming you or her
But you must understand
You didn’t help
You never told me
Never let me in
But I did know
You loved her
And that was it
Your love surpassed that that I had seen before
I guess they were right
When they said the first love is the hardest
She didn’t want you
But you wanted to make sure she was safe
But in the end no one is right?
You were together again
In each others arms
But not for long
You nor her will be held again
Nor will your faces be seen
What is there but an empty corpse
A soul less urn
Even when you were not yet
In that non existent state
All I saw were yellow teeth and pale skin
Not the face I wish to remember
But that’s all that is left
That is all I have
They remember you for all the good things you did
But I I knew nothing of you
Because you didn’t want me to
You kept me distant
Because of something in the past
Something that happened
We never acknowledged it
Just ignored the others existence
Just act like you hate me
But she was just like me
Wasn’t she
So how can you hate one
But love the other
That’s what it all comes down to
Yes, I cried for you
But I also cried for myself
I didn’t know you
And you didn’t know me
I cried for a stranger
I cried because I didn’t know
If you were in heaven
Or hell
I cried because I didn’t know if you were in the dark
The deep depressing darkness
The suffocating darkness
The terrorizing darkness
I could imagine it at night
I would close my eyes and not sleep
The darkness would eat me
Swallow me whole
I would choke
I would cry
I felt like I was suffocating
From the inside out
And you could have been free
You could be in heaven
But I would never know
I still don’t know
But it’s easier now
Just imagine that you were happy here
And you are somewhere watching us
But now I’m afraid
That others are following
In your footsteps
Your steps weren’t that bad
I guess
But I don’t think it’s right
But who am I to say what’s right and wrong
I can’t know ofcourse
I’m just their little sister
Just like you
They push me away
For something I didn’t do
Yeah I get the blame
But whatever you took the blame
That’s how I learned to
Just to stay silent
Even in death you stayed silent
You accepted a blame that was never yours
But who would admit to such a tragedy
When so much pain already exist
And the dead don’t know
Do they?
The dead can’t protest
And why would you
Our world is gone to you
I wonder
As I think of you
Do you think of me
And all these questions
You already know the answer
I guess when we get there
It doesn’t matter so much anymore
We will forget this life all together
And all the mistakes I made will be gone
Maybe you will recognize me
But as souls we have no physical features
I wouldn’t know you without your face
For I truly didn’t know you at all
A stranger in my house
All these years
A stranger I will never get to know
I wish they wouldn’t pretend
That they knew you either
Than that false pretense will fade away
“Oh I remember when …”
That’s what he did
Not who he was