The sun shines bright outside my window.
The cheery day seems to laugh and mock my pain.
I feel so empty.
Like these hands that lack the precious bundle they so ache to hold.
Tears course down my face
Already red and raw from sobbing.
I thought I was done crying
I guess I'll never really be done.

My family's gone home.
Visiting hours are done.
I'm left alone.
In stained white walls and sterile rooms that echo the pain and sickness of others.
What is life?
Is there a reason I live?
I touch the glass.
As I watch, the picture of what should've been mine plays out before me.
A happy couple.
The husband, wheeling wife and child to the car.

Why?
I just keep asking myself,
Why?
Is this a punishment?
Why would life give me a child only to take it away?
God, didn't you know I needed this child?

I should've born life
Instead, I bore death.
A small life I couldn't keep safe.
I failed.
I keep playing that moment over in my mind
The moment I saw that perfect little baby wrapped in death.
I stared at two eyes that would never open
Touched the small hand that would never hold mine
And whispered
"I'm sorry."

Where are you now little one?
Is your soul at peace?
Did you suffer much pain?
Do you dance with angels as I mourn your loss?

Little one,
My heart,
My love,
My child.
Be safe.
Be happy.
And smile often, though I cry.

There, through the open window
A promise of life appears.
An answer to my prayer
A beginning of healing .

I hold out my hand
I watch in Awe
As it glides slowly down
Till it rests gently, softly on my finger.
It flutters its wings
And takes off again
Flying heavenward
It fades
Into clouds and sunlight.

A gift from God,
A sign that everything will be okay.
And for a moment I almost smile.

Michelle's Poem