Hello.
I'm unhappy.
I would like to replace my dog.

He never comes to his name
and his pug face has an overbite
He wobbles on his portly frame
and his little toes get him nowhere

My dog howls all day long and snores at night
and never brings back tennis balls
Would rather hump teddy bears
Than sit for a biscuit

I would like an improved replacement
A model gentleman
With strong legs and a deep bark
and the most loyal heart

He would have a long coat of gold
Instead of knotty black
Rescue kittens from bears
(Mine would rather eat them)

Yes, I'll take a better dog
Any dog honestly
What would anyone want with mine?
An expired model of the mutt variety

I would, though, prefer to keep a trait or too
The new model should, too, have a short memory span
To allow immediate forgiveness
and the joy in the same walks everyday

I actually always thought his knotted fur cute
and I suppose it's easier to groom
Than a Golden Retriever or a shepherd
Just not as easy to look at

Could the replacement, also, have the same smile?
With gleaming yellow teeth?
and a little crooked character?
He's always so happy to see me.

Don't make the new one too thin
They're all so skinny these days
He has to be just as huggable
Or I will not take him home

I want to know he's there at night
Not one of those silent ones
I can deal with a snort or too
It just reminds me he's on guard

So here he is
My little mistake
You can have him, call him what you want
He won't come anyway

He's easy to love
For how difficult he can be
Please don't yell at him
He tries his best to be good

Somewhere deep down he's beautiful
But it's not tough to see he's cute
Give him your love
and he'll never forget you

The truth is that he's perfect
The most remarkable mongrel you'd ever meet
He loves the world and never complains
I swear he's a Tao or maybe Jesus

God gave him leaky crooked eyes for safe keeping
So that nobody would ever take him away
No one will ever steal my little boy
How lucky am I?

I don't believe I can do business here
Sorry to have kept you
I could never find a dog here or anywhere
As perfect as mine