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Wicked
She walks in,
and stifles a scream,
when she sees,
that you're gone,
she calls 911,
but it's a little too late,
because that pill bottle,
has already been emptied,
people will talk about your life,
and wonder why,
but they'll never know,
because you weren't brave enough,
to ask for help,
and it's ridiculous,
but I hope you don't mind,
that I call you wicked.
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This article has 8 comments.
Okay. You gave me a little more to work with than "Melissa." Let's start at the top.
I've said this for so many people's poems, but either rhyme all the time, or not at all. If you rhyme once, it calls attention to that spot, so it should be the climax or the end. "Gone" and "911" DON'T work.
I would take out the comma at the end of line one, I think it works better with enjambment. Same with line 3. I would end line 4 in a dash (--) and then "Calling nine-one-one" for line 5. Spelling it out emphasizes it more. I don't usually like to use numerals on poems.
"But" should start the next sentence, maybe followed by the cliche "too little too late." However you do it, "it's a" isn't working for me.
Do something with "Because that pill bottle,/has already been emptied" maybe combine them into one line. I'm thinking "That bottle's on the counter,/ not a pill left inside." If you keep it the way it is, at least take out the comma.
I would have line 9 start a new stanza. Line 12 seems too wordy, but take out the comma. Start "And it's ridiculous" as a new sentence. Have a colon after "mind," and I'd change the last line to something lke "But I shall call you 'wicked.'" It's a little more final. And don't forget to put "wicked" in quotes.
It's an interesting take, though.
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