I want to talk to my future self.

I want to see myself a year from now,
about to finish off senior year,
ready for college,
and have a conversation with her.

I want to tell her how uncertain everything feels now.
How I have no idea what I want to do,
Who I want to be.
How I am completely freaked out by how
there is
nothing
tangible I am striving for.

How I don't even have a list of colleges I'm interested in.

It's not apathy, it's just insecurity.
It's doubt.
It's suspense.
It's hesitancy.

It's scary.
It's fear of failure.

I want to tell my future self that.

I know she won't have all the answers.
But she'll have a plan.
She'll be enrolled in a school.
She'll have picked a major.
She'll be focused.

She'll be me.

I take comfort in knowing she exists, just not right now.

I take comfort in knowing my future self will read this (poem? rant? intelligible tirade of self pity?) and know she is in a different place.

I like the idea of my future self.
I like the idea that one day I won't be so confused.
I like the idea that, a year from now, my future self will look back on me tonight and know how far she's come.

But, for now, it's just me.
Groveling in my uncertainty.