The U-Haul trucks came Thursday. My parents delivered the bad news Tuesday. And ever since then I’ve been trying to find ways to avoid a goodbye. I’ve been trying to find ways of how I could steer clear of saying a word that would end thirteen years of friendship, thirteen years of pinky promises, thirteen years of memories.
But that day did finally arrive, and when it did, you and I stood on opposite sides of the sidewalk, attempting to put space between us before we said the dreaded word that would hurt a lot more than any distance ever could. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t say it. I tried and again and again, but my throat refused to utter it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to say it. It was because I couldn’t. I was physically incapable of saying goodbye to you, so instead I made a promise.
This is not a goodbye
But a promise
Of another day
Another dawn
A new horizon
We will meet
For a second we just stared at each other, peering into one another’s thoughts. I guess you must have understood, because you pulled me close and held me tight and your eyes promised, promised this wasn’t a goodbye.
A student in my math class once said that some infinities are bigger than others. I do not know if I believe in such a mind boggling idea, but I do know that that glance, though a mere second, lasted forever. It was a second before the truck veered off the road. It was a second in which the doctor delivered the bad news. And it was a second before the bullet left the chamber. Yet those seconds lasted forever.
This is not a goodbye
But a promise
Of another day
Another dawn
A new horizon
We will meet
So our forever might not be a long tangled web of strings that is filled with as many knots as there are stars in the sky, but one that is short and cuts like glass, brighter than any star could ever be. Each millimeter filled with a lifetime of memories.
This glance that held me captive in your eyes, a prison of bottomless blue, conveyed a whole world of meaning. It spoke of late night chats on the phone, of off key singing, pillow fights and hide and seek. Of sleepovers and shopping sprees and scary movies and memories so sweet they melt on your tongue. It spoke of open fires, marshmallows, long summers spent by the pool and tears no one saw you shed except for me.
Of conversations held with eyes, inside jokes, Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and uncontainable laughter that fills your soul and breaks free from inside and leaves you laughing hours later with one pointed look. This glance spoke of the many debates we had about who was hotter, Jacob or Edward. (I still think Edward is so much hotter.) Of the arguments we had, the shortcomings we faced and the secrets we whispered to one another late at night when the whole world was asleep and the only one to witness our secrets was the ball of silver in the sky. It was all splayed out, unraveled before our eyes, memories of you and me.
This is not a goodbye
But a promise
Of another day
Another dawn
A new horizon
We will meet
The first fight we ever had, so long ago but so clear. I remember it as if it was yesterday, etched into my mind so vividly, imprinted so clearly that if I squeeze my eyes tight enough I can still recall the words you whispered that day. We fought for weeks, yelling and arguing over a secret that was spilled, pointing fingers and laying blame, and I was certain that this friendship wasn’t going to last, that this precarious boat would tip and we’d go overboard into the frigid waters and never come back. That day you surprised me, surprised all of us when you reached out and steadied the boat, your hands open in forgiveness and your eyes determined to never let go. “Let’s give it another try” you said. So I did. And I have never let go since then.
I repeat
This is not a goodbye
But a promise
Of another day
Another dawn
A new horizon
We will meet
I peered out the tinted car window, my face pressed up against the glass, never once did my eyes blink as I watched you shrink and shrink until you finally disappeared out of sight. I felt the boat wobble like it had so many years before, but this time I was the one who reached out and steadied it.
So divide us with an ocean
I will swim
So divide us with a desert
I will cross
So divide us with a mountain
I will climb
All the obstacles in the world could not keep us apart
I promise my friend
Another day
Another dawn
A new horizon
We will certainly meet
But till then, this glance…
will have to be enough.