Young and innocent
Problems of real life locked behind closed doors
Smile always on my face
No torture to be found in me
So innocent to the world
Unknowing of life and demons
Friends and family
Laughs and smiles
Is all I know
For now
?
I see life
Happiness
With no sadness in sight of others
I paste on a fake smile in moments
But, it can’t be real
Life is all smiles
Laughs and giggles with friends
Home is not reality
Home is only where sadness exists
Only in my mind

I see mother screaming
Eyes blazing
Accusing me of wrong I never committed
Voice bouncing off the wall
Scaring me
I convince myself it isn’t reality
Or maybe
I am just not good enough
No I am fine
Mother says I just need to lose weight
And clear up my skin
Then reality will come back
Happiness will flow abundantly
But tell no one
They must not know
That sadness has invaded me
Shush keep it locked away
And paint a smile
That is reality

?
Where is reality?
Surely it will come back
My world is beginning to collapse without it
No more laughs and giggles in the hallways
Only anger and hurt exist
It surrounds me
It suffocates me
“But, if you listen to me,”
A voice says
“I can make reality come back sooner.
But you must let no one know
Of the sadness you carry in your heart.
Paint that smile onto your face.
Laugh with them.
Listen to them.
Tell no one of this torture.
At night, when no one is around,
Beat this sadness out of you.
Beat your brain for forcing you to feel this.
No one will care, even if you tell them.
It will help.
Trust me.”
The voice was so seductive
A silky smooth voice
Whispers of reality returning
Of sadness leaving
A chance to let out
What is locked inside of me
Of course
I shall do what you say
Depression


?
Screaming in the morning
Screaming at night
Screaming all day long
“Lose some weight.”
“Clear up that acne.”
“Keep your grades up.”
“Just be perfect.”
Is all I hear at home
Always saying to do better
Just be perfect.
Will it ever end?

?
Rivers flood my life
Some are mine
Some are my friends
Always arguing
Fighting
Crying
No smiles
Secrets replace our laughs
Anger replaces our Happiness
But, I beat it out every night
My friend helps
He comforts me
And whispers sweet nothings in my mind
He cares
But no one else does
Because I am not good enough

?
Slamming
Banging
Pain
That is all I feel now
That is all I want to feel
Numbness
That’s all I want
But I remain sad
Wishing for death
Why do I feel this way?
I have everything
Yet I am sad and wishing for death
Why?
I shouldn’t feel this way
God, give my life to someone who deserves it
Someone who will be happy
Will gain a life
I don’t deserve

?
Knife to my throat
My skin eager to break open
And bleed scarlet tears
Depression seductively whispers
“If you do this,
We can be together.
Just you and me for all eternity
Please hurry
I love you so much
I only want to be with you.”
He wraps his arm around me
Comforting me as I make the decision
I am about to end it
But I hear a noise
I put the knife away
And wait
Depressed and alone
Except for my friend
My love
Depression

?
I scream
I cry
Mother laughing
Screaming back
“Kill yourself?
The princess doesn’t get her way,
So she wants to die.”
Mother walks away
Tears roll down my cheeks
Sorrow, misery, and depression
All combine to force me to feel them
No numbness takes them away
No painting a smile
No stopping the tears
Death is all that can comfort me now
Mother cares naught for me
Laughing at me for wanting to die
Mother does not care if I am here
No one does
My lover wraps his arm around me
“There There my love
I care for you
No one here does
Be with me
Join me in death
And leave the pain behind
Leave it with those who do not care.”

?
Dark waves
Crush her fragile soul
Tired and weary
Her soul begs
For peace and rest
But I ignore it
She believes I care
And I do
But not for her
Only for her sorrow
Her wish for death
It fills me with happiness
I bask in the greatness of it
Her soul screams
As I slowly begin to rip it apart
I will not finish my work for years though
Unless her death comes first
Either way
I win
?

Hell is reality
That is my only thought
As I leave one hell for another
This hell is where my friends are
The ones that don’t care
I try to hold back the waterfall of tears in my eyes
But they refuse
The begin to slip out
I run to place to cry in secret
“Sarah, are you ok?”
Who is that?
I thought no one cared
A friend appears
She holds me as rivers flow from my eyes
She comforts and listens to me
She takes care of me
Shock settles underneath my misery
She cares

?
"Why do you feel this way?"
"Your Mother told me you said some strange things."
"Who did you tell?"
Secrets revealed
Only concern for secret sin
Reputation towering over help for me
My mind was beginning to create more paint for my smile
Shutting out these terrible emotions
Leaving only numbness in its place
Sadness settled in my heart
Weight fell on my shoulders
The weight of the world
Every mistake is my fault
I am responsible for everything
Depression left
I miss him now
No one else loves me like him
He is the only one I love with all my heart







Smile painted
Sadness just below the surface
Depression returned
Sweet Depression
Oh, how I love you!
For none other can love me as you do
He is the one who smiles at me
His eyes beaming with love and pride
I think about joining him sometimes
Death seems peaceful and numb
The opposite of reality
He waits for me there
For us to be together truly
Life does not need me
Yet, I wait
Hoping that someone will care enough
To save my life
?
Laughing echoes in distance
Taunting me to give up
Whispering sweet promises
Like a stranger seducing me
Luring me to the edge
Of the an everlasting pit
Growing with every step
The now familiar lips brush mine
For I have fallen in love
With a lies of a good life
He smiles as he kisses me
Pulling me close
Knowing that I love him
He grins knowingly at me
Pushes me over the edge
Taking my place in life
While I fall until the end of time


?

The year leaves
Shutting the door on yesterday
Everything has changed
A new world
Another chance for happiness
Everyone has changed
Yet I remain the same
Depressed and miserable
Hidden from all eyes but his
Depression
My past love
Has changed
He is violent, hateful
Only wishing for my death
Always whispering in his sweet voice
"Just kill yourself.
No one really cares about you.
I never did.
Everything is your fault.
You are too fat
You have too much acne
You are failing at school
You are nothing more
Than a failure?
Dark whispers
Lies of life and happiness
No light to be found
No one to care
No one to see the darkest parts of me
Only him
My torturer
Whom I loved once
Blood pours
From the stab wound
He left in my back
Love is lost to me
For I still love another
The one
Who is slowly killing me

?
Half a year
Everything has changed
Death has taken my grandmother
And yet
Leaves me here
Death takes my grandfather
And yet
Taunts me from a far

Half a year
Everything has changed
Screams about petty things
While Death is in the air
Only music to comfort me
None other
Except my past love
Except for the knives
He throws expertly into my heart
Shattering it into millions of pieces
As I listen
To Mother and Father
Scream at each other
Over a mere suit jacket

?
My tears have carved paths into my skin
“I don’t care anymore
Do what you want
I
Don’t
Care”
Agony blossoms
A rose with no petals
Only thorns
Encircling my heart
Stabbing agony filled wounds in my heart
Yet I knew all along
I knew
Mother
Doesn’t
Care

?
Shaky hands
Knife in hand
Should I do this?
Depression whispers
“Yes
It will help with the pain”
I drag the knife across my skin
Deserving of all the pain
Deserving of those uncaring words
Bloody tears spill down my arm
Relief flows into me
A real smile graces my face
I feel real
I am exhilarated
“Much better
Than merely hitting yourself”
Three cuts
To wipe away
The three words
I
Don’t
Care

?
Time goes by
No one to notice
No one to care
About the pain
Displayed on my arm
Only one friend
Whom I showed this to
Knows

“What is that on your arm?”
Mother asks
Only after
Talking to my friend’s mother
Tears trail her cheeks
I won’t do it again
She wraps her arms around me
And left me alone
Never again to ask
If I was ok


Months pass
Depression grows
I shrink
He is taking over
I am losing control
Of my own thoughts
Of my own actions
Of my own emotions
Nothing helps
Not the lady behind a desk
That pretends to care
Not the teachers
Who know nothing about my mind
Not the friends
That only wants to laugh with me
All ignore my secret bloody tears
The results from my drawings
The ones in my skin
The ones I can’t leave behind

?
Demon, why do I love you so?
Your cold embrace leaves chills on my arms
Scaring my but comforting me as well
I shouldn’t love you; I should hate you
All you do is tear me down
You seduce me with your whispered lies
And I fall into your cold embrace
I give you my will freely, though I fight to get it back
You cut into my skin
Graceful but terrifying
But I protect you
Wrapping my arms around your neck in a sweet embrace
No matter the cost
I give up so much for you
But you give me nothing in return
Just sorrow and anger
You kill my soul with your cold words
That I stupidly believe every time
You cover me in the color red
That fades to white lines over time
You beg for me to join the dead
Promising it will be better for every one
You kill my soul more and more
She screams in agonizing pain
Screaming for me to give you up
But oh I love you too much to save her
I live in bondage to you
Uncaring to the fact that you kill me
All because I believed your lies
Oh Depression, why do I love you so?

?
What is Light?
What is Happiness?
Does it even exist?

What does a good friend look like?
What does a good friend sound like?
Do they even exist?

What is Mental Stability?
What is an Optimistic Mindset?
Does it exist?

Why is Life Depressing?
Why is Life Cruel?
Life does not exist for Me
Only misery and torture

?
Dark waves
Crushing my fragile soul
Tired and weary
My soul begs
For peace and rest
But my mind is not mine
It laughs at the request
Giggling at the absurdity
It whispers commands
To an arm
That I no longer control
My soul screams in anguish
At the knife cuts a piece away
More and more it carves
Carving and slicing
Until there is no more

?
More tears
More Art
More whispers

More falseness
More lies
More painted smiles

More screaming
More crying
More suffering

More blood
More cuts
More death

?
Two months clean
With a lady protected by a desk
No knowledge of my real life
“Why aren’t you happy?
Why do you choose this?
You’re just holding on to this.”
Best friend’s words
Ripping out my heart
Depression repeating them
Laughing and killing me
One day later
Two more pieces of art
Are created by me

?
“Please help me!
He is killing me!”
What is that?
I don’t understand
What is happening?
I feel as though I am fading
Who is screaming?
I do not understand
I hear it
Yet I do not understand
He is killing no one
But me
So that voice must be
My Soul

?
It all started with hello
An everlasting bond created
A friendship that will never end
All because of one little hello
A rescuer
Someone that cares
Someone that invented my smile
Someone that I trust with my life
Because she alone can save it

?
I can’t stop
No one can help me
Not the man behind his desk
Protected from the world in his chair
Not my parents
Never saying a word about me “disease”
Not even my best friend
Who tries so hard to help me through this
He has too much power
No one can defeat him
No one can kill him
No one can get his seductive whispers
Out of my eager mind

?
Every day
Every night
Thoughts of death
Thoughts of blood

Every minute
Every second
Thoughts of knives
Thoughts of pills

Every hour
Every week
Thoughts of my end
Thoughts of my unworthiness

Every class
Every month
Thoughts of my death
Thoughts of my blood
Filling the floor
Taking life with it
What is reality?
Does it exist?
Or is this reality?
I can’t stand it
Reality hurts too much
And causes pain for those around me
There is no reason for this
I can’t take this
No longer can I suffer
No longer can I torture those around me
No longer
Can I bear reality
?
“Let me kiss you.
I know you want me to.
Come on, just give in.
Leave and let me make your wish come true.
I’ll kiss your wrist
And make you feel good.
Come on.
Let’s go.”
Should I?
I don’t want to be here any longer
Maybe I should do what he says
No I can’t leave
No I can’t kill myself
Oh, God
Will I survive the night?

?
“Let me see the scars.
Let me see the cuts.
Do you self harm?
Do you have a plan to kill yourself?”
So many questions
Here in this hospital room
Dressed in a gown
Scars shown off to many adults
Who do not understand this
Late before I can sleep
In a bed that is not mine
Watched by the lady in the hall
Another girl like me in the other bed
Another girl that wants to die
Just like me

?
Locked away from the world
Here with others like me
Others that feel like dying
Strangely more fun than “normal” teenagers
More honest
More real
Kids all wishing for death
All getting help
Not caring about our differences
Knowing we are all here
Because we want to die
But no one will let us

?
9 days
Locked away
No contact with the world
No going to breathe fresh air
Locked in this place
Constantly watched
Constantly controlled
But receiving more help than before
From people that seem to care
Not those people behind the desk
Safe from the world
No they live in the world
They try to help
They care

?
Everything is better
No screaming
No torture
Mother does care
Takes an interest in me
Caring about my feelings
Still, I am wary
Memories of the screaming
The torture
The blood
Flow through my mind
Scared to let her in
Scared she’ll just turn back
And one day
Force me to
Put myself in my own grave

?
Happiness now visits
Depression isn’t as present anymore
Laughter floods my soul sometimes
Real Smiles adorn my face
Eyes contain light once again
Though I am not healed
And I never will be
Scars remain
Where blood once flowed
Happiness exists where Depression once ruled
Smiles exist where tears used to spill
Joy exists where pain once stayed
Love exists where hate killed me