I was told to make a list of pros and cons

but how can I make a list

when my thoughts are tangled together like headphones

and the only way to rationalize anything

is to picture the scenario in which I’d be happiest

and the only ending that leads to that

is the one that has you holding my hand. 

The cons of waiting are

the never ending sadness of not having you and calling you mine,

the tears that won’t stop late at night when I imagine you with her,

the self hatred that rises inside when I remember I wasn’t good enough,

the pain that surfaces when I run sharp objects against my pale skin,

the underlying truth that you don’t love me anymore,

and knowing that no matter what I do,

I won’t be able to shake you.

The pros of waiting are

the happiness of reclaiming you as my own,

the smiles you’ll put on my face when I’m sad,

the laughter that’ll flow through my bones when we talk,

the inner peace I’ll achieve knowing that someone accepts me,

the feeling of being whole again because you’re my other half,

the satisfaction of being with the one I love more than anything in the world,

and knowing that no matter what life throws at us in the days to come,

I’ll be attacking it head on with my best friend.

What keeps me holding on is

the dream of waking up and seeing your face next to mine,

the thought of taking showers with you in the morning before work,

the idea of coming home to someone who will be excited to see me,

the realization that I can kiss you, make love with you, and it will be perfect,

the desire to show you how strong and true my love for you actually is,

and the opportunity to see the whole world,

with the man who knows me better than I know myself.