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A Fairytale for Emptiness

November 22, 2014
By Dononanavan BRONZE, Plymouth, Michigan
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Dononanavan BRONZE, Plymouth, Michigan
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep Spring from coming." -Pablo Neruda

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Once upon a time
I fell in love with a dime
and her eyes did shine
her hair it flowed like silky
innocence from the
brilliant mind inside her
head behind her
face with the endless eyes
and the smooth lips
soft beauty and merciless;
how can I survive
the light in her eyes?

 

Once upon a time
I thought I had a chance
when her eyes would dance
across me
maybe I still do
but it’s more likely to
be my hell than
any heaven
and no matter how
hard I try
we only fall
further
apart, until we can barely stand to see
eye to eye

 

Once upon a time
but never again
but forever and always
love will strangle me
till I breathe no more
and my heart sleeps
and stills; but still
her eyes and
their light will have been etched
burning, scalding, scorched into the wall
of my brain
never to part

 

Once upon a time
I fell in love with a girl
who, believe we,
fell in hate with me.

© Weike W., Rochester Hills, MI

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This article has 5 comments.

SpidersAcrossStars PLATINUM said...
on Jan. 22 2015 at 8:38 pm
SpidersAcrossStars PLATINUM, Hayward, California
36 articles 0 photos 160 comments

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For you, a thousand times over.

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4.5/5 i loved this. that line at the end of the first stanza really got me. "how can i survive the light in her eyes?" ooooooo yesss. i liked the story, i felt like it was true and not plastic. only complaint is i didnt like some of the rhyming "once upon a time, i fell in love with a dime?" never sacrifice meaning for rhymes! but you did better than I could. i gave up trying to rhyme a long time ago. never sounds right to me
Helena_Noel BRONZE said...
on Dec. 1 2014 at 7:26 pm
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

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“I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear.” -Edgar Guest

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Yeah, AprilNicole, I was just thinking about it's scheme, about how the rhymes were peppered throughout in unexpected places. Reminded me a little bit of rap music, that way. If this were a boxing match, those rhymes would be the little sharp jabs at the crowd-favorite beheamoth. Smooth, but shocking, and they had me solidly in the writer's corner.
AprilNicoleJones BRONZE said...
on Dec. 1 2014 at 4:18 pm
AprilNicoleJones BRONZE, New Castle, Indiana
4 articles 0 photos 39 comments

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Wow, I just have to start out by saying that this is really nicely written! I have to agree with what Helena_Noel said before me, I like the jagged form. Which, in this case, I think adds to the appeal, as it's a "jagged" subject. I also really like how you did the rhymes in this...kind of uneven, not really conforming to any set scheme. It feels like you just go with the flow and I like that. A little snippet that jumped out at me, from the first stanza - "soft beauty and merciless". That's unlike anything I've read before, and in that one line you perfectly sum up the girl in the poem. In general, I like your fairytale theme, and how you break the tradition by making it a fairytale without a happy ending. Well done!
Helena_Noel BRONZE said...
on Nov. 30 2014 at 11:44 pm
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;I&#039;d rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I&#039;d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye&#039;s a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example&#039;s always clear.&rdquo; -Edgar Guest

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I hope I'm not misreading it, but wow! I liked the jagged form of your poem! The varying lengths and stream-of-counciousness style gave made me feel like I was listening to mad [crazy], wry laughter. It was and interesting effect, and a familier feel that comes along in the more darkly humorous moments of living with unrequited love.
itsyourmaingirl SILVER said...
on Nov. 30 2014 at 9:18 pm
itsyourmaingirl SILVER, Flint, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 14 comments

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This is absolutley amazing work. I liked the part where you said "fell in hate with me," because I have never really heard that before. The whole thing was wondeful and very inspiring.