I do not hate him, but I think everyone knows I have been a completely different person since we broke up. Do I like it? Idk. Am I truly myself right now? Idk. But what I do know, is the reason I am a completely different person, is because a part of me was lost in him. Actually.. ALL of me was lost in him. Gosh I loved that kid. I can’t lie, I still do. A part of me still holds out hope for us getting back together, because trying to move on from that goofball has proved to be nearly impossible. I’ve been moping over the break-up for longer than the actual relationship lasted. That’s kind of a wake up call for me.
I do not hate him, even if I impulsively say I do sometimes. Truth be told, I hate myself for screwing up the bond me and him shared. But I have to move on. I have to forgive myself. I can’t carry out my life begging someone to come back, especially if they do not want to.
I do not hate him. I am actually so thankful for every moment I shared with him. I’m very glad it happened.?Even though he’s ruined many holidays, songs, movies, places for me. And even though seeing a limousine, or driving passed the place we took homecoming pictures has the power to make me instantly burst into tears.?Even if I will never be able to return to Six Flags..?I do not hate him.
I’m thankful for him breaking my heart, or rather me breaking my own heart.?I’m thankful for him teaching me many things, ?like how to put the blade down, ?how to not take things for granted,?how to play hockey,?how to concur fears of roller coasters,?how eating in front of a boy is perfectly fine,?how to accept love.. even if it only lasts a little less than 5 months.
He taught me that no matter how many text messages are sent, how many pictures are posted, tweets are tweeted (or drafted), and no matter how long and loud you scream & sob someone’s name in your pillow at 3 in the morning.. They do not always come back.
But most of all, he taught me how to live without him. That’s something I thought I would never be able to do. Some days I wake up and I’m still surprised, that my life can go on without the man I love, the man that kept me going for so long when all I wanted to do was give up.
He stood beside me & carried me, when I did not deserve it at all. ?He made me feel loved, worthy, beautiful,?when I thought I would never feel that again. ?He made me have this smile.. that only he could make. That was true happiness. ?And for that I am thankful.
And even though I do not hate him, ?He is still on my mind, ?every day,?and every night. ?Sneaking into my dreams occasionally. ?Making my heart ache more than anything. ?And I do hate that.