This is my own revolution, my transformation, my change,
To be remembered in history when someone mentions my name.

I used to want to let go,
let go of this world,
let go of this life ,
that's when I didn't know the difference between wrong and right ,
I wanted to cut deeper
I knew I had grown weaker,
the only thing I had energy for was sleeping,

it's true, I wanted to shut down,
I wanted to disappear and never come back around ,
honestly, I didn't wanna have a place in this world, not even a place on my street,
I coulda jumped out of a window and no one would've known it was me,
thats just how I felt, I had access to a gun,
I did,
I wanted to hold it just for fun,
I didn't,
I woulda got carried away,
I swear my crazy self coulda pulled the trigger that day,
but I stopped and I left,
I stayed in my room, I went under the covers and I shut my eyes,
I pulled out of reality and put on my disguise,

my smile, my mask, I think that's what they call it,
you get so conditioned to a facial expression because of everybody's expectations,
it's sad that even parents teach the quote,"fake it till you make it"
basically saying just hold every thing in,
go with the flow,
even though your hurting inside just let it go,
that's sad, I was sad to,
it got to a point where therapy and counseling was in my future view,
it was a recommendation,
it would've went into effect, but I escaped it when I left,

I remember all those nights that I was cold, I was starving,
ironically, I didn't think I would see my grandmother grow old

I was at the edge, the edge of life sadly,
I could feel my body getting weak and my head was always hurting,
I used to be pale, the color faded out my skin,
you could see my bones, I looked like a skeleton,
people didn't notice, they thought I was okay,
they didn't judge from the paleness of my skin
or the redness of my eyes,
they judge from the smile on my face,

remember my disguise, who would've thought, I was starving myself ,not even too loose weight, I was doing it just to escape,
just like the cutting, the burning of my bare skin blocked out the pain,
the pain of dealing with life,
which I thought was insane,
I'm better now,I think , progressing slowly,
I'm trying to distract myself, be happy and stay busy,
but I always catch myself going to that dark place,that dark place that I wish I could erase,
but I can't, but I cant, because there's still long term effect,
the headaches still come whenever I don't eat, and I start to feel light on my feet, I get pale when I I don't consume anything hours at a time,
when you see my eyes getting red that's a sign, and my scar, I see everyday ,

I'm just thankful that it's fading away, it might be gone that's good too,
hopefully you don't judge, whoever it is that I'm talking to,

This is my own revolution , my transformation , my change..
To be remembered in history when someone mentions my name