My hands shake as I flip through the manual
Its pages eating up my thoughts
Like they haven’t eaten in days
When it should be the other way around.
I should be eating every word
Every printed word on every page of that booklet
Soaking up the ink like I am the booklet itself
But instead the words are eating me alive
And I don’t like it at all.
I know I have to make a decision
Because it is now or never.
At least, that is what the doctor says.
And he keeps going on and on and on and on
About how great this will be for me
And what a great life I will have after this
And I don’t know how to tell him that
I like my face the way it is
Just fine.
But he is shoving another manual in my hands
Another booklet about why I should reshape my features
Just like everybody else
Because my blue eyes are not pretty so close to my eyebrows
And my lips are not full enough
And my nose is too big
And smile isn’t perfectly symmetrical.
And I don’t know how to explain to him
That it doesn’t matter if my smile is symmetrical or not
Because I still smile
And that is all that matters.
And I want to cry because I don’t know why
I have these thoughts
That are mine and mine only
When everyone else thinks differently.
And it is very hard to believe you’re the only one who is right
When apparently so is everybody else.
So then I must be wrong.
And I want to cry because I don’t know which one
Is the truth.
But he keeps talking and talking and talking and talking
And the words are eating me
And everybody is doing it.
I try to think of all the reasons I should do this
And I think of how he keeps saying
That I am doing this for myself
When in reality
I am doing it for anyone but.
I try to dig up a good reason
But all I get is clusters of dirt
And my hands are shaking
From digging so much.
I am trying to convince someone
Who cannot be convinced.