I let you in after your 6th request and 5th demand
“Maybe he will love you now” echoes in my thoughts
I knew it would hurt but nothing could prepare me for what came next
You were angry because it wasn't you.
I said be gentle and go slow but you were a race car and I was nothing more than a finish line, not even the trophy
You knew it would hurt me but you told me I'd be fine, so I ignored the red flags and warning signs in my head and tried to relax as I surrendered myself to you
Did you not hear me ask you to stop? I raised my voice as loud as I could, it rang through my mind like a megaphone magnified the silence of the night. I guess it was too quiet to reach you.
Did you not see the tears rolling down my cheeks? I saw a few drop onto your stomach and for some petty reason I wanted them back. You were already taking enough from me.
Did you not hear me say please? Maybe manners weren't what you wanted right then.
Did you not feel me push you off? Maybe you didn't. I pushed as hard as I could, maybe my arms just didn't work anymore.
Did you not notice the blood stained sheets? When I asked you what your mom would say, you said nobody cares about a bloody nose. Funny thing is, I matter just the same.
Did you not care that your pleasure was my pain? You couldn't slow down to let me adjust but I was being torn apart from the inside out trying to please you. You looked into my eyes and saw tears spilling over that you knew you were causing. You looked down at the bed and saw blood smeared info fist like shapes that I made when it hurt too bad to even protest. Then you shut your eyes and went faster.

Did you not think that you asking me to leave would hurt? I couldn't even separate the physical pain from the emotional pain in my mind. But then I went numb.
Did you not hear my voice break when I answered you? You knew I'd do all in my power not to inconvenience you. I wish I could think you were as worthless as you do I.
I gave you my first and you took it, giving back only a slap to the face and a high five to end it.
And maybe you were a little drunk but I was so far out of my mind that satellites in outer space felt closer than you did at that moment.
And in that moment you had just been closer to me, in me, than any other person in my entire existence. I let you in and you made sure I knew you were there.
I let you touch me wherever you wanted. I let you tell me what to do and how to do it. I let you hurt me so you could feel good. I let you cover my mouth when I told you it hurt. I let you look at me with the lights on. I let you in me when I knew you wanted to be in her. I let myself pretend I didn't need you to care about me.
I let you believe that I was unbreakable, but buddy, you tore me in half in more ways than one.
And all I needed to make all the blood and tears seem okay was for you to hold me, maybe even kiss me, and tell me I didn't ruin your first time. All I needed was for you to turn the lights back off and pretend like you didn't hear my shallow breathing or feel the tears roll down your chest. I needed you to let me pretend I was yours, just for a little, just until unconsciousness overshadowed the pain.
You didn't even have to lie or say you cared. You didn't even have to call me pretty. I already knew the truth.
All you had to do was hold me for a few seconds, that was all I needed, for you to let me live in my little fantasy world of people caring about me. 
But you suggested I sleep downstairs and in that moment I needed to be either in your arms or on the other side of the universe, but neither was an option.
So I settled for your living room couch and you went back to bed.
I looked in the mirror that you watch like a television and my stomach did a flip.
It was my fault. You didn't have any reason to treat me well. I was nothing, am nothing.
Tears ran down like water lines combusted.
I was too quiet when I asked you to stop. I was too weak when I tried to push you off. I was too desperate to reject your pretend love.
I couldn't love myself so I tried to convince you to.
But mom always said you can't expect others to do what you cannot.
So I sank deeper into the couch, as deep as I possibly could. I wanted to disappear into it like you did inside of me.
I wrapped my arms around myself and pretended they were yours.
I closed my eyes and saw emptiness, and it was comforting to see how I felt inside.
This was a mistake, one that you let me make.
But hey, it was only a favor, right?