It did not surprise me the way his mood was. First time he talked to me in a while. He was kind of sad, down and depressed. Thoughts rumbled in my head, Why are you talking to me? Are we friends? Why do you confide in me? These thoughts only got louder, and they kept getting louder until I listened to what he was saying.

Words cannot express this overwhelming feeling I have, the words that came out of his mouth shot me, like firing a gun, and the bullet burying in my stomach. Did he say sorry? Did he actually say sorry? Words cannot express what I feel, should I feel clarity? Happy? Joy? I don’t know what to feel for the way he hurt me and said sorry.

My feelings have not yet come to an end. I’m trying to sort out the questions in my head, thinking of what to say next, trying to get the questions I wanted answered, but I didn’t want to hurt him more than he already was. Is it my complexion that draws people to me? Is it the fact that no matter what happened I still talk? Why can’t I answer these myself.. I’m losing sight of my own mind.

Flooded with all of this information, and these question that neither I nor can anyone answer clearly. I want to rest, I want to fold up into a ball on my bed and scream. But I can’t do just that, facing those words, “I’m sorry” is harder than I thought, though I’ve been waiting forever to hear them. My soul even, cannot describe how I feel. I’m lost, with no direction on how to get back.

So… Where is it that I stand? I want so very much to answer his “I’m sorry” and be done with this awkward moment, but instead I walk away saying nothing, leaving him, with nothing. Is it the inner me that doesn’t want to speak and scream out how I feel, scream the questions I die to dare ask him? Or is it the very fact, that I know I won’t get a straight answer?

“I’M SORRY!” he says, it keeps getting louder in my head, I cannot forget the words. They sink so far in, I feel he is trying to heal the scars he left in me, to fill them up with what used to be there, so that I look and feel normal again. I still have no answer to him, as I walk away, I can feel his eyes beating on my back, wishing I would come back and accept it, but I can’t.

His words, they mean so much, and so little. “I’M SORRY!” I’ll never understand why I gave no answer, but his words will forever stick with me, until I find my own clarity.