At first, my instinct was to fight
Defending my pride with combative fists
Swinging aimlessly
and striking nothing.
Soon my hands became too heavy
And they sunk to my sides
Leaving me raw and exposed.
Unprotected.

My mind is stubborn
Left to defend me when my body became too weak too do so.
But time has withered away at whatever clarity I thought I had
My thick head is not impenetrable
In fact it has already been broken.

Realization can be cruel.
I feel the blunt cold shock of my demons
Rippling through me,
Taking everything with them on their way out.
I simply watch them go
Passive, as they carve me up
Leaving only regret.

Regret sunk its teeth into my flesh
And I could feel the tearing
And I could feel the blood.

Regret seduces my mind
Over and over and over and over
I am forced to re-watch my mistake in the dark
And even when the sun comes up
Even when the lights come on
Regret stands before me
In another mask.

I hurt someone I love
And they may never forgive me
I certainly will never forgive myself
For I failed as a friend.

Words cannot articulate the magnitude of my grief
In fact words seem to diminish them.

Desperately I want to atone for my sins
For I was afraid
And I was confused
I’m sorry I let it overwhelm me.

Blame is my only comfort
I swallow the poison I deserve
For my mistakes have birthed its creation.
I feel the flames coat my throat
And I inhale the smoke.

I feel the weight of loss in your absence
And I know forgiveness is too much to ask
But even if I never get it
Please know
That I love you
That I never meant to hurt you
And that the regret I feel
Will go on without relent.

I am so sorry.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I whisper to the black and starless night
Searching for hope in the empty sky.
I pray to whoever might be hiding up there,
Even though I don’t believe.

But there’s always a catch,
And night truly had a unique way
Of making me feel
Alone.