I'm running out of room
in my mind...
There's not enough
space to process
things. Break down
things. No room to
maneuver. So I try
looking for space in my
heart but that place
was full a long time
ago...of hate, grief, guilt,
bitterness, animosity,
confusion and not to
mention all the wounds
it has accumulated. So
then I try to focus on
my eyes maybe they
have room. Maybe
crying will free up some
room but that only
seems to make things
worse. They are too
weak and they can't
hold all of that pressure.
I thought maybe I could
store some of these
feelings in my
lungs...so I did. They
had plenty of room until
I could barely breathe.
Shaking, Crying and
Screaming to release
the pressure off of my
heart; out of my eyes
and from my lungs yet I
just felt this pressure...
this energy pushing
back and I tried to fight
back but my mind told
me to not even fight it.
To just give up. That I've
fought long enough. So
I just fall whether it's
into the bed, kitchen
floor, bathroom floor or
on the concrete. I fall
and cradle myself to
hold it in to keep all of it
in. All of the unknowns,
that's what they're
called. They've been
inside of me so long I
lost track of them. Grief,
anxiety, guilt... and then
some, they just stay
and I hold myself tight
because I'm afraid of
what will happen if I let
them all go. Will I lose
myself? Lose people I
love? Hurt myself? Or
hurt the people I love?
Is it possible to be
scared of yourself?
Because I am. I'm
scared of letting the
wrong thing out...letting
it show in the way I
walk and the way I talk.
So I stuffed my mouth
with nothing but peace
and happiness so when
I smile people won't
pay attention to my
eyes. I stuffed my feet
with confidence and
steadiness so that
when I walk people
won't pay attention to
how my hands shake
and trimmer. I guess I
should be asking
myself why don't I
move some things
around? Like the
happiness and the
confidence. My mind
won't let me, I haven't
been able to control it
yet and my heart
follows right behind it
and I have never had
control over that. But
I'm working on it...
working on moving
some things around but
it will take a little time
and a lot of fight. But
that's just it.... there's
no room to put the fight
in me... maybe in my
stomach so I have the
guts to tell my brain to
shut up... No anxiety is
stuffed there. Maybe in
my hands so I can
cover my ears to
silence my heart and mind.
That can't
possibly work.... I just
don't know yet... how
this all works... most
people will never read
or understand this...
this is me fighting with
myself... I do it daily...
Every morning exactly...
I smile because my
mouth is stuffed with
Joy then I look in the
mirror and self esteem
runs to the front line
and wipes that smile off
of my face. Then my
brain wakes up and
images pop up and kill
my mental. Anger
rushes to the tips of my
fingers and it burns.
Pain and Grief drip
down to my heart and it
aches and beats a little
faster which makes my
lungs excited and they
start to inflate a little
faster grasping for air
so I scratch my arm, dig
my nails into my hand
and send all of the
pressure to my eyes
until I fall... Then by
noon I have shut my
brain down, put chains
around my heart and
locked it down, shut my
eyes and I walk blind
and I let my smile lead
the way for the rest of
the day...