when someone in his presence
is visibly upset,
my father’s favorite line
is
‘get a grip’.
whether your entire world
has been ripped out from underneath you
sending you falling
into an abyss
of a new kind of emptiness
or
your beloved pet goldfish died
it is expected
that you gather up
all of your pain, sadness, emptiness and anger
compressing it into little particles
small enough to fit into a tiny box.

now, you must understand,
i’ve been sick more of my life
than i have been healthy.
i have spent more time in my life
worrying about the future
And dwelling on the past
than i have spent
actually living.

i have spent more time
thinking about how
he dropped my heart on the floor,
letting it shatter
as if it was nothing
than i have spent
thinking about how
i continued to absorb
every lie, clenched teeth
and approaching fist
as hate
mistaken for

love.