There’s this gay club by my house that smells like church wafers
Guarded by a man swaddled in a scarf, hands pocketed
Grin collapsing from half hallucination and LAs 50 degree "frostbite"
Late nights no longer feel like home
Every shade of darkness is dreamt up in shampoo bottles and leaves when I walk out the door
A white picket fence I’ve taken for granted
Forgetting over too long of stop lights and aggressive communication
A missed bus is what brings me to this gay club
I never go farther than the entrance
My age and velvet stairs standing in my way
I picture karaoke and bad salsa dances
Half burnt out from age and electronics
A Broken dj
Most don’t know what an aux is, things were better when nobody did
I’m competing with child actresses and Uber drivers that tell me pretty girls like me don’t need to work for money
“This is Hollywood”
Lit up in smoke...
The failed actresses burnt toast
My fingers always cut a second short of the lighter
The sides of my thumb tattooed with half eye lidded attempts of just breathing
I picture the club bathrooms dark
Not like fast food restaurants that burn your eyes when you walk in
Scared of your own image
Red yellow and American consumption never take an ease
Lost in my reflection I can’t tell if I’m pretty or not
Sometimes I feel like I’m just not one person at all
Kaleidoscope personalities tilting each other over like a ship to sea
Sunk by the salt that created it
Just like our families first root that regrets it’s placements
Seeds and water
And wonders why our soil wasn’t strong enough to grow leaves
Everybody wants a different root or maybe it’s just about the ending
In this bathroom I wouldn’t feel scared
Surrounded by gay men that won’t eye me like lobsters in a tank
Wondering how fast they swim, what’s the easiest catch
Climates of inhalation limit my existence
Overthinking the power of my stance
My fists never seem sturdy
My knees buckle