[CLIFF FADIMAN, host of the “Information Please” radio show, is in a booth with MOE, OSCAR LEVANT, JOHN KIERAN, and FRANK ADAMS.]

FADIMAN
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in.

A word from our sponsor, then we will begin.

[An ADVERTISEMENT begins playing in a 1930s Mid-Atlantic accent.]

ADVERTISEMENT AUDIO
Canada Dry, just give it a try!

Refreshing, a blessing brought down from the sky.

Nutritious and nourishing, the people are flourishing

Because they rely on Canada Dry!

It’s ginger-vating.

FADIMAN
Thank you very much.

As many of you know, Canada Dry is my secret crutch.

[FADIMAN takes sip from Canada Dry bottle.]

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Mmm, refreshing.

Addressing our new listeners:

This is Information Please, where we stump five practitioners

Of general knowledge, on tidbits from college.

I’m your host, Cliff Fadiman, and I’d like to acknowledge

My three recurring guests, great prowess they possess.

Writer John Kieran, who claims he’s the best:

KIERAN
Bring it on!

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Today he’s appearing in his ninetieth test.

Poet Frank Adams, familiar with the madams.

Within his great brain, I dare say there’s no chasms.

ADAMS
You too!

FADIMAN
Oscar Levant, skilled in descant:

LEVANT
La, la.

FADIMAN
Composer all over, he’ll try to supplant

Today’s guest of honour, who’s more than a scholar.

Welcome, Mister Moe Berg, a veteran baller. 

[MOE waves modestly.]

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Now let me explain the rules of the game.

Our audience has sent in some stumpers to frame

These pundits, who summit, their knowledge is abundant.

But careful, we won’t pick questions that are redundant.

If your question’s selected, 5 bucks can be collected.

If it leaves them perplexed then 10 bucks will be appended.

In total you can receive 15 bucks, courtesy of Canada Dry.

Now, without further ado, let’s fly.

We’re quizzing four whizzes on their expertise.

Ladies and gentlemen, Information Please!

[The crowd applauds and fanfare begins to play.]

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Our first question comes from Emil of Alabama:

“Dear experts, who starred in the picture ‘I am a

Fugitive from a Chain Gang?’” The ten-year-old movie. 

[KIERAN raises his hand.] 

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Mr. Kieran. 

KIERAN
Yes, I believe that was Paul Muni?

FADIMAN
Very good. The next question comes from Ralph Preston

Of Canton, Ohio. “The small intestine

Holds a fluid filled with slime

FADIMAN (CONT’D)

Responsible for speeding up the digestion time.”

[LEVANT raises his hand.]

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Ah, yes, Mr. Levant?

LEVANT
Yes, this is called chyme.

FADIMAN
Precisely. The next one imparts from Carl McConnell of Brandon, Vermont.

“The present-day letters ‘tween Wilhelm the Kaiser

And Nicholas the second have come under fire.

What is this correspondence’s lovely little moniker?”

[MOE raises his hand.]

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Mr. Berg.

MOE
The Willy-Nicky chronicles.

FADIMAN
Splendid. To be honest, I thought you had pretended

To include your brains as one of your domains.

But I stand corrected, this was expected!

You know much besides baseball, you’ve checked it.

FADIMAN (CONT’D)

To follow this up, let’s hear the next query.

It comes from Maryland, from Darren O’Leary:

“Dear quizzies, you heard of Tweedledum and Tweedledee?

Over what did they quarrel?” Mr. Adams, let’s see.

ADAMS
(After long pause)

Uh, I’m not sure I recall.

FADIMAN
From Alice in Wonderland, they entered a brawl. 

Mr. Levant?

LEVANT
Yeah, I can’t.

FADIMAN
Mr. Berg? Mr. Kieran?

[MOE shakes his head.]

KIERAN
Yeah, let’s steer away from this, men.

FADIMAN
Congrats, O’Leary, they’ve won you a ten.

Remember, the sword is weaker than the pen.

Our final question’s by Maine’s Pete McCoy:

“Define the words poi, soy, and loy.”

[MOE raises his hand.] 

FADIMAN (CONT’D)
Ah, Mr. Berg, you’re quick to shoot.

MOE
Yes, poi’s a breadlike Hawaiian root.

FADIMAN
That’s correct. Now tell me, what is soy?

KIERAN
It’s a kind of bean!

FADIMAN
Correct, it’s enjoyed. 

What is loy? L-O-Y.

MOE
(after long pause)

Well I’m gonna try.

I know that the French used to spell “loi” with a Y.

FADIMAN
I’m convinced. Mr. Berg, you’re a genius in disguise.

Well, that’s all the time that we have to supply!

Final tally, ten bucks, thanks to Canada Dry.

[Ka-ching sound effect, fanfare instrumental.]

MOE
The next night I got a call from the commissioner:

[The COMMISSIONER joins MOE over the phone.]

COMMISSIONER
Berg, in just an hour, you’ve been a more successful missioner

For our great game, than I can claim, in decades in this powerful position, sir!

MOE
A few months later I was asked back.

By popular demand, I took another crack:

[MOE walks to the telephone and dials FADIMAN’s number.]

FADIMAN

Mr. Berg, how do you do?

MOE
Fine, how ‘bout you. 

Before our show tomorrow night,

I have some qualms I need set right.

Please don’t pry into my life.

I’m a shy man, I don’t need strife.

In addition, please don’t bring up my past.

There’s many jobs that I have amassed.

But bring up law, I’ll kick your ass.

Okay?

FADIMAN
A-okay. I’ll see you fast.

[Fanfare instrumental.]

FADIMAN
Ah, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back!

It’s Information Please, America’s crack

At being a genius and reaching the sky.

As always, thanks to Canada Dry.

Our guests today require no introduction:

Levant, Kieran, Adams, they’re shrewd at deduction.

And back with us per your 20,000 letters

Is catcher Moe Berg, who’ll deprive ya of that cheddar.

Question one comes from Maryland’s Baum:

FADIMAN (CONT’D)

“Dear experts, I write to you with aplomb.

What are your wives’ birthdays and anniversaries?”

Don’t make it up, we don’t want it to seem cursory.

Just to check, we’re all married?

KIERAN
Quite.

FADIMAN
Mr. Berg, are you married?

MOE
(slow, tense)

I am not.

FADIMAN
(after awkward pause) 

Well, alright.

Let’s progress to our second big stumper of the day

For Berg’s sake but also to see your marriages stay.

“The courts of law address many an elephant.

What’s the difference between material and relevant?”

Oh, I forgot to say, it’s from Walt in the Appalachians

By the way, Berg, wasn’t law one of your vocations?

MOE
(very tense and angry)

I refuse to answer.

FADIMAN
Well, Mr. Berg, it says so on my card.

MOE
You’re a real cancer.

FADIMAN
Oh, grasping you sure is hard!

[MOE knocks over his chair and leaves the studio.]

[Fanfare instrumental.]

LEVANT
Yo, what the heck was that all about?

ADAMS
Seems like Berg’s a real private guy.

FADIMAN
Honestly, I’d be remiss if he’s not a spy.

[Lights out for a longer period of time.]