Wish I was a stone, so I couldn't feel

You'd yell at my face, it'd be no big deal

But I miss the way we make up and smile

Don't wanna be stone, I changed my mind

I wish I had eyes in the back of my head

Then I could see the places I've been

But then I would know that you're talking crap.

Wish I were my dog, out on the lawn

I'd be so glad when I hear you come home

But if I were my dog, I wouldn't live long

I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone

I wish I could act in a show on TV

Then I could practice not being me

I'll practice my cry, put it into my reel

But you won't believe me when I cry for real

I wish that my brain would triple in size

I'd nail every joke, I'd win every fight

But I'd get too deep with that kind of mind

I don't wanna know that point of life

In some other life, I would be rich

I'd travel in style, I'd cover the bill

But couldn't complain 'bout anything small

Nobody'd feel bad for me at all

Wish I were cocaine or a bottle of Jack

I'd get invited to every frat

But when you get old and your good days are passed

You'll only want me when you're sad

 wish I was a song, your favorite one

You'd follow the dance, delete all your problems

And I would be there when your baby is born

For 2 or 3 minutes, then I'm gone

I wish I was big, as big as my house

I'd sleep on the trees, I'd skip every crowd

But I couldn't fit on my therapist's couch

God, I could really use him now

I wish I was God, I'd never trip up

And if I did, well, so what

I could be cruel and break all your stuff

Yeah, I'd be loved no matter what

But if I was God, it'd get kinda weird

'Cause then you would only say what I wanna hear

And then you would die, you'd love me to death

Now I don't know who I have left

I wish I was me, whoever that is

I could just be and not give a shit,

I'll be whatever makes you a fan

'Cause I don't know who the hell I am.

I think it’s too late to figure this out. 

If I could be me, I would’ve been it by now. 

Maybe I’m a stone, or big as house,

I think that our time is running out.

So If this is me, than I’ll do my best,

I’ll take all of it, so you’ll never have to. 

You could be you, and I’ll be the rest,

‘Cause I don’t know who the hell I am.