It pains me to review this film because it reminds of the total waste of my time that was watching it. I could have been biting my nails or cleaning the oven, but instead I was watching an absolutely appalling display of sickly romance.
The Twilight Saga has been compared to Pride and Prejudice for the similar style of romantic fiction. I take such a comparison as a personal insult. To have my literary taste tainted by associating an epic novelist such as Jane Austen with the whiny, plotless romances penned by Meyer is downright offensive.
The film, rated a 12, was surprisingly violent for a love story, with werewolves biting off arms and people’s skulls falling to the floor like a disposable item of clothing. But the violence was deeply compensated for by the overdose of pure sugar. In every possible scene, a ‘touching’ sentiment and a ‘tender’ kiss were shared, interspersed with the occasional attempt at inserting some sort of storyline.
For anyone who had not read the book, the film would appear to be about a sullen girl who couldn’t choose between a pale-faced vampire and a tanned, muscly teenager who had the unfortunate habit of turning into a monstrous dog, with some other very angry vampires eating each other every now and then. For the rest who had read the book… well, the film didn’t any more sense.
The film seemed to leave out much of the important details necessary to make sense of the storyline – for example, Bella’s ‘third wife’ trick (without giving too much away for anyone yet to see it) made very little sense due to the lack of emphasis on the native American tale.
Shockingly, the film has caused an uproar for teenage girls who are in conflict over the two male leads – dividing into ‘Team Jacob’ or ‘Team Edward’. Personally, I would rather choose ‘Team No One’.
The book describes Jacob as a rebel, the only boy Bella can be herself with, the one who brings out her wild side. The extent of his and Bella’s conversation in the film could hardly be described as showing her ‘being herself’ – unless standing in silence and sharing moody glares counts as being herself, in which case she’s a lucky girl.
Jacob is supposedly a sweet, cheeky teenager with a huge crush on Bella, and yet the film depicts him as rude (would it have killed him to return her calls?) and obnoxious. Lautner’s acting skills amount to a poor show of unrequited love and teenage rebellion. In all honesty, the image-projected werewolf made a better actor than he did (and was much better looking).
Edward Cullen, the love of Bella’s life, the fictional heartthrob plastering the bedroom walls of teenage girls all over the country… is a bore. The film portrayed him as nothing more than an over-protective mother with rather disturbing eyes. The boy who, to most people’s annoyance, can read people’s minds, finds frustration in the fact he can’t read Bella’s. Would it kill the boy to show some gratitude? He’s been given this gift, this gift that makes it impossible to have secrets around him, and all he can do is complain. Perhaps he could be forgiven for this, seeing as he is supposedly drop-dead-gorgeous, but there is not enough stage make up in the world to make Robert Pattinson more than slightly attractive.
The books describe Edward as ‘the good guy’ – there to fight for Bella as long as is it her wish to be with him, but in the film this is not shown in the slightest. If he’s willing to just stand by and watch a werewolf shove its tongue down his fiancé’s throat, I have to question his sincerity.
Eclipse has achieved the ‘highest UK box office opening of 2010’ and I am truly at a loss as to why. None of the three main characters can act. Robert Pattinson’s acting amounts to romantic shows of affection involving kissing Kristen Stewert (unsuccessfully – getting her chin when aiming for her lips) and acting concerned when she’s upset (and failing).
Taylor Lautner, who has thankfully got rid of the long, flowing locks from the first film of the series (and now looks like a Jonas Brother) has all but mastered the art of the long, lingering looks, so much so that they have been adopted by his werewolf character. The poignant pause made to focus on Jacob – the – werewolf as it turns its back on Bella and Edward is reminiscent of most of Jacob – the – human’s scenes. However, Jacob’s lack of dialogue is probably a positive, given that when he speaks it is hard to tell whether or not he is in pain. Sometimes the director helped us out with this, by putting slings and casts on his arms, but mostly you’re left to decide yourself. Lautner came up with the ingenious plan, however, of showing his bare torso to distract us. But to be honest, I saw his eight-pack the first time he appeared on the screen topless and yes, it’s very impressive, but the novelty wore off after the next few hundred appearances. Aside from that, the adoring sighs echoing around the cinema were just plain irritating.
And finally, Kristen Stewert. I’m hard pushed to actually find any acting she does throughout the film – to praise or criticize. The girl just seems to stand around, playing with her hair and dithering over who she loves the most. The only display of emotion is when she breaks her hand punching a werewolf in the face, which, let’s face it, she could not have expected to go down well. For the remainder of the film, she destroys any feminist’s soul by hiding behind Edward, occasionally begging him for sex, and depending entirely on one of the two poor, love-struck boys to live.
So, to conclude, my review of this film is that it is an outrageously poor example of trivial teenage problems – I mean, who hasn’t brawled with a werewolf in the face of death these days? You would think with the [inexplicable] amount of money these films are making, some acting lessons would be first on the list. But no, instead they are wasting money on making their films as clichéd as possible. From the lazy love scenes in a meadow of flowers to the glitter on Edward’s skin, the film could not be cheesier. Except perhaps with the addition of a character the complete opposite of Edward making a love triangle. Oh wait…