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The Jump

May 23, 2013
By BookNerd35 GOLD, Herod, Illinois
More by this author
BookNerd35 GOLD, Herod, Illinois
10 articles 1 photo 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say, 'watch me.' -unknown

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I ran.

My feet slapped the ground as I moved, faster and faster. Rain made the ground slick, causing my feet to slip. My hand shot out, catching myself before I hit the cold, black asphalt. A throbbing overtook my right wrist and I could feel warm blood soaking my snow white hand where I had skinned it. Voices boomed behind me, making my heart jump out of my chest. Up ahead I saw the entry way of an alley. Ignoring my labored breathing and the pain that overtook my right arm, I boosted my speed.

Just as I was about to pass the alley, I turned sharply to my left. For a moment their voices were blocked. Then they started to get louder, sounding more like thunder then men. My backpack thumped up and down on my back, sending jolts of pain as something sharp hits my back with step. I see a fence up ahead and smile, knowing I could make the jump in my sleep. That fence symbolized something, It symbolized the difference between freedom and slavery. The fence was now less then fifty feet away. In five seconds, it was twenty feet away. That was my cue. I prepared myself, gathering my thoughts.

I jumped.

Wind whipped my hair.

Gunshots sounded in the night.

Pain overtook my leg.

Bullets flew past me, trying to reach its target.

My shirt caught on the top of the fence.

I landed in a heap on the other side.

The last thing I thought of before the pain caused me to blackout was :

I was free

© Ariel L., Bethesda, MD

The author's comments:
I was sitting in class, listening to the teacher ramble on and on about something. It was so boring, she'd been lecturing us for at least 10 minutes. I wanted to run out of the classroom and finally be free from the dreaded teacher. So instead of tarnishing my school record, I pulled out a piece of paper and started writing.
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This article has 9 comments.

BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on Jun. 7 2013 at 11:18 pm
BookNerd35 GOLD, Herod, Illinois
10 articles 1 photo 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say, 'watch me.' -unknown

View profile
I write with less detail for a reason. Part of my writing style is supposed to make you think of your own world. Basically,  I lay out the story and then I hope that my reader will think of a world where this is happening. This piece was sort of put  together like that. I wanted the reader to imagine what kind of world this would be put in, and possibly connect with a few of my other stories. That is sort of what I do when I read books. The less visual aids the more I can sort of run free on my picture of the book. However, thank you for correcting on my spelling error. I didn't exactly proof read this piece.
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jun. 5 2013 at 5:21 pm
BlackbeltJames GOLD, Reading, Other
14 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
Isaac Asimov - "Intelligence is an accident of evolution, and not necessarily an advantage.”

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This was a good piece, it captivated the sudden suspense and mystery of the story, making it even more interesting with the lack of details; it worked really well. However, it was harder to visualise due to less imagery, but overall it was really good, and sometimes less is more, especially for the exciting, action parts. Also is it meant to be "hits my back with every step" instead of "hits my back with step". Keep it up :)
bigthinker28 SILVER said...
on May. 31 2013 at 11:09 am
bigthinker28 SILVER, Toledo, Ohio
6 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be”- Mark Twain

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I wasn't talking about detail about the plot or situation, that would be backstory. I meant details of the surroundings/events. Like more descriptions. It would help distinguish the enviorment more.
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on May. 30 2013 at 10:52 pm
BookNerd35 GOLD, Herod, Illinois
10 articles 1 photo 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say, 'watch me.' -unknown

View profile
Thanks! But, I need to add to your 'detail' statement. It's a cliff hanger kind of story. I wrote it like that, the less detail the more questions and suspense in the end.
bigthinker28 SILVER said...
on May. 30 2013 at 9:27 pm
bigthinker28 SILVER, Toledo, Ohio
6 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be”- Mark Twain

View profile
Thrilling. You did a good job building the suspense but i also think a little more detail could go a long way.
BookNerd35 GOLD said...
on May. 30 2013 at 8:37 pm
BookNerd35 GOLD, Herod, Illinois
10 articles 1 photo 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say, 'watch me.' -unknown

View profile
Thank you so much! I'm working on one right now!
sarah98 BRONZE said...
on May. 30 2013 at 7:02 pm
sarah98 BRONZE, Holyoke, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 405 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than write for your audience and have no self.

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prequel please! this was fantastic but i'm curious!!  TELL ME MOREEEE
Melissa23 SILVER said...
on May. 30 2013 at 10:07 am
Melissa23 SILVER, Irondale, Alabama
5 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12

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Pretty good. I just want to know more about the society. I get that she was running for freedom but I just would like to know about it and what she was dealing with, plus the significance of the men. But pretty good.
RoyalCorona SILVER said...
on May. 29 2013 at 10:55 am
RoyalCorona SILVER, Grand Rapids, Michigan
7 articles 0 photos 290 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us fave failed to match our dream of perfection. I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible. -William Faulkner

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That was so great!! I demand a sequel!! Or a prequel! Really, anything to do with this story would be met with  praise and approval from me!!