The thick brown mud splattered me before I could even see it. I looked up from the trash barrel at the end of the driveway just in time to see a car so black I could see my reflection in it. My dirt covered disgusting reflection was now splattered in mud. Great. I had never seen a car like that before. No one from around here could afford one. 

It didn’t cross my mind to wonder why the car was here, I was too focused on the mud staining the only dress I owned. The fact that it was ruined by someone who probably didn't even notice I was there, who would always be able to afford clothes, made me angry. 

I could see Aila’s hair before I saw her. If I hadn’t known the color of her hair before, I would have thought she was on fire from the wild auburn curls. Her plump feminine face was a dark contrast to my high cheekbones and thin lips. The only way you could tell we were related was our eyes. The deep blue that was more of a navy for Aila, shined with passion and love, her eyes were so wide they at times were the only way you could see her real age. For me, the navy helped to hide my ambition, hide all of my flaws away. 

Aila’s deep hair color set her apart from my almost white blonde. The dark eyelashes that surrounded her beautiful innocent eyes found a way to make every man that crosses her path fall in love with her in less than a single glance. I had watched them vow their lives to her, making her happy, then they would find out how old she really was and we’d never hear from them again. Those men looked at her in a way it seemed no one would ever look at me. With a lust that became a need, she would become their lifeline. But still the threat of death just for touching her before she turned 16 oftentimes was enough to send them away. 

By the time she had made her way over to me, I could see the familiar glimmer in those very same eyes. That spark that followed her around, giving her hope that would soon start to place its long dark arms around her neck and start squeezing. Squeezing until she couldn’t see, couldn’t breath until all of that hope went away. 

My white dress seemed to become dirtier each day, the fabric reaching the ground seeped the dark coloring up further onto the garment each day yet hers never seemed to change at all. Maybe it was her indoor job, or a deeper desire to keep it clean but after months of use, the dulled lace still intact and the neckline that seemed to never tear or stretch made me reach for my own tattered floral pattern. What once was covered with roses now barely resembled a flower.

“You could be the next queen,” my younger sister told me joyfully while holding out a familiar piece of violet paper. I knew it was coming before I saw it. I had seen the next Selection would begin soon on the news and that was the exact type of thing she would give me. Just as I thought, the flier announced the next Selection, this time to pick the first wife of Prince Nikolaus. She smiled so I could see her perfectly white teeth, a gesture trying to plead with me. If it wasn’t for the ages displayed in bold print 16-18, I would have tried to tell her to apply for the both of us but since she had a couple years to go,  I knew exactly how this was going to end. 

All I did when I saw the paper was laugh. The chances of me being selected to even go to the castle and compete in the first place were extremely small, if any. 

“Yeah I’m really princess material,” I responded, directing her to look at my stained clothing, and the layers of dirt on my face so thick you couldn’t even see my real skin tone anymore. I knew it would make no difference though, she had already made up her mind. Her rose colored glasses which she used to see the world weren’t harming anyone except for herself. She was still so young she dreamed of leaving, of someone picking us up and placing us into a better life. 

But we weren’t getting out of here that easily. 

It wasn’t worth it to try and convince her that I wasn’t going to be picked let alone win because she had already decided I would and that this would be our fairytale moment sent from God himself. I sighed after seeing that the flier had already been signed with my name, sealing my fate and throwing me to the sharks. 

As soon as we turned the corner to our province's office, I heard Aila gasp. There were thousands of people lined up, going on for what seemed like miles.  They were wrapped all along the sides of the building and continued on along all of the following blocks. Everyone there was just like me. Poor. Covered in dirt and stained clothing. But these girls had something I didn't. Hope. They didn’t understand yet that none of us would be chosen, that none of us stood a chance. Especially since the clause saying two girls from every province would be chosen was removed, no one from ours would even be considered when there were girls out there richer than the king himself. Every girl here was brainwashed into believing that they were good enough to be someone in this country. None of us were rich enough to even come close.

“Madelyn it’s time to go,” Aila grabbed my arm and pulled me as the line shuffled forward. 

Once in the room, it didn’t make sense why the line was so long. All I had to do was drop the paper in a metal shoot in the center of the room. There was no one else there, just Aila and I. I’m not sure what I expected exactly but it certainly wasn’t this. There wasn’t an old lady behind a counter taking my name and stamping my paper. Just the box offices with all lights turned off except for exactly where I stood. I only stood there a moment before dropping my paper in and turning away. 

“Don’t get your hopes up A,” I told her. “You saw how many people there were there.”

“Yeah but you were the prettiest one there,” she countered. I just shook my head and laughed because it was clear she had her mind made up. 

I had to drag her to the laundromat on the way home because it wasn’t like we would get the answer until late tonight. I needed to wash the stains from this morning off of my dress and after the long walk to and from the office, so did she. 

I had a couple of pennies saved up from work that I slid in the slot to unlock the machine. The filthy lace over my head rubbed against my face as I pulled it over my head. I motioned to Aila to do the same and threw the garment into the machine. The engine began and along with it the familiar buzz. It felt like a song made for dancing in the rain. Aila threw up her arms and started to prance around the room, the room empty yet still captivated by her energy. When she came around, I grabbed her hand and began to dance too. All the way to the sink where I poured the water onto my face, rubbing weeks worth of dirt and grime away. 

I felt free again. 

When the buzzing ended, so did my freedom. My dress was thrown in my face by my little sister and just like it was time to face the real world again only this time, slightly cleaner. 

It seemed like the whole world was huddled around the little television screen in the bar. Sitting and waiting for the future of random girls to be predetermined. The folk music traveled across the room, wide-eyed children dancing, going off the beat more than the man whose booze covered breath could be smelt from ten feet away. 

The small room was so cramped that the only thing that fit was the long table covered in glasses and the black television on the wall. Aside from that it was just a floor made for dancing which everyone understood. 

The town seemed alive with hope that someone could get out.

I claimed a rogue barstool and waited for something to happen. It should have started by now but everyone else was either too drunk to notice or just didn’t care. Aila’s eyes seemed alive as the people around her spun and danced around her. While I usually would have loved to dance alongside her, the pit in my stomach started to gnaw at me. I couldn’t describe it but something was different. 

Instead, I let my eyes fall to a girl whose dark hair fell just above her shoulders. I had never seen her here before which was strange because the majority of the people in here were regulars. She danced around near Aila and I saw the two of them move closer together and make eye contact. I almost jumped up to see this new stranger but then the screen flashed to black as the announcements came in. It began with names I had never heard before and would most likely never hear again. 

“Susanna Knox… Sage Everly… Pearl Emerson… Joanne Richfields.”

I could feel it before he even said my name. Oh shoot.

“Madelyn Wakefield,” the announcer rambled on after that but it all became gibberish. It had to be some mistake but I knew it wasn’t. The food around me began to look far less appetizing as my stomach twisted. I felt my fingers grasp the edge of the table, it was the only thing keeping me grounded now.  

Aila walked up to me but her words were slurred like she had been drinking. The lights buzzed and glitched, on and off, on and off. The world around me seemed to lag, moving slower and slower. It wasn’t her. I stood up to leave but my legs wouldn’t let me. Instead I just fell to the floor.

The green vines twisted around the dark stone walls. All of the trim was jet black making the windows look like they brought you to straight nothingness. I had never seen a building so large before. The towers looked like they stretched to the sky and the flags at the top of them were almost impossible to to see. 

The only other person in the carriage was a petite young woman who had been described to me as my personal maid. Her eyes were wide and filled with more fear than mine were so I made no effort to try to talk to her and scare her more. 

I was surprised when it was a horse drawn carriage that showed up to my house and not the typical black box like car you usually see from the royal family. The man driving the carriage told me it was for tradition, however after sitting on the black leather seats, I told him I thought they should get over themselves and give us cars. 

I don’t think he liked that too much. 

Aila barely seemed to care when I left her. She said it was because she knew I would win and they would let her come see me but I didn’t feel the same way. Instead it felt like I was leaving my home forever and while Aila might be allowed to visit during the vacation, I didn’t think that I would ever get to come back. 

But now standing in front of the castle sitting in the middle of a village I had only ever seen on the television, the feeling became a reality. Even if I didn’t win, I would be sent off to whichever rich suitor had seen me in the competition and was willing to give the most money for me. 

As I stepped out of the gold rimmed cart, I looked upwards at the place which would become my new home. 

“Wow,” were my only words. The reporters around me seemed to eat that up and I was quickly thrown back into the reality that I belonged to the people now and from now on, everything I said or did was aimed at pleasing them or the prince. 

My maid had tied my hair into an elaborate braid and put some light makeup on my face before we arrived so I didn’t look “out of place.”  The new dress she had given me was the softest thing I had ever touched and it fell around my hips like it had been made for me and only me. The deep green fabric stopped mid-thigh and the bow tied behind my back gave it a more feminine aspect. 

“What is your sister doing without you there?” someone with a large camera asked. 

“Oh she’s working and living with her friends,” I responded before stopping at each reporter to answer a question or two. 

The air seemed cleaner and easier to breathe here. The familiar smoke rising from the air was gone, they must just be too rich for factories around here. The flowers were brighter like they had been dyed. Even the trees were perfectly sculptured to fit the mold of royalty.

 That’s what they’re going to do to me. 

I was dressed in silk.

It was the first time I had ever touched it. I brushed my fingertips against it and it was like my fingerprints got stuck in each individual strand of the fabric. It was like I was touching thousands of dollars. I probably was. 

The girls around me either seemed to talk to everyone around them, or looked like they were about to fall to the floor crying. One girl in particular was staining her flowing red dress by wiping her tears onto the fabric which probably cost more than my house back home. And from the looks of it, hers too. 

There were chairs set up in rows behind the thrones, undoubtedly for us to sit on yet no one had made their way over to them yet. At that point I was the only girl standing by myself so I began to walk over to one of the rows in the back. I felt a hand graze over my shoulder and looked back to see a girl I hadn’t noticed before. Her dark red hair was cut at chin length but her freckles made her look younger than she was. Her dress was black, the only one here with no color at all. But despite all of that, it was her eyes I noticed first. The deep brown sparkled in the light, blinding me and making everything else hard to see. 

“I’m Susanna,” was all she said to me. 

“Madelyn,” I smiled at her but it didn’t seem like she was going to say anymore until  I started to walk away. She began to ask me to wait. Susanna began to follow me over to where I was sitting and it seemed that the other girls began to understand they should head for the chairs too. 

“I like your dress. I’m more of a black and gray person myself but that shade makes your eyes pop,” the new girl told me while looking me up and down.  

As we began to sit down I continued the conversation to find out she lived in the province over. I didn’t know much about what it was like over there but from the way she talked and the diamond earrings she wore despite no one else wearing any, it was clear that her life was very different from mine. She continued to talk to me while the prince grabbed the microphone at the front of the room and I had to look away to pay attention to him. 

His suit was sleek and clean and the golden crown on his head was neatly placed in the center. He had strong cheekbones and deep brown eyes that looked black and soulless from where I sat. He grasped the microphone like his life depended on it and began to speak clearly and slowly. 

“Welcome ladies to what will become your home for the next seven days,” everyone around me clapped and cheered at the idea of staying with them but it made goosebumps appear up my arms. “Over the next week, you will be tested on your loyalty, beauty, bravery and more to see who will make the next queen.”

The speech was broadcasted to the whole country which made the robotic fluency in his voice less surprising. The whole thing felt rehearsed but everyone seemed to love it. The girls who had run to the front row with big curls and long eyelashes batted their eyes and smiles. The girls who had been awkwardly standing in the corner about to cry now swooned at his voice. Even Susanna looked impressed as he continued on with his speech. I didn’t listen to the rest. I already knew the rules. 

We all stay here until every day, five out of 36 of us are asked to leave until it’s down to the final girl. Each day until the final we’ll have a lesson on a “royal topic” and then some type of test based on what we learned to determine who stays and who goes. Each day one random girl will be chosen for a date with the prince but other than that we would have no contact with him until the final six girls. Once we get eliminated, we immediately be brought to the man we’ll marry who saw us on the screen and paid the most money for us, and then from there we would live happily ever after. 

Of course, he phrased it better than that. 

I didn’t pay attention until I heard gasps. 

“Of course, this year to celebrate the 100 year anniversary of our gorgeous country and the fifth selection, we’re adding a new rule. The young lady in last place at the end of each day will instead of finding a new husband, will be taken and executed in remembrance of the women who gave their life to form this country a century ago. With that, let the Selection BEGIN,”

The cold marble flooring was quick to wake me up as I stepped out of the big pillowy bed. Today was the day. Even though last night was technically when the competition began, today was what really mattered. Now that I was here it became clear I didn’t have to win, I just had to survive. 

I couldn’t let my little sister lose me.

After the Preliminary Ceremony, we were sent straight to our rooms. It must have been to keep us from discussing the new addition to the rules but as far as I could tell, I was the only one who cared. Everyone else seemed so set on the fact that they were going to win that they didn’t even need to worry about death. 

At least the room I was being kept in was nice. The bed took up the majority of the room aside from the closet which was filled with dresses that probably cost more than what I made in a month at the bar. They were covered in sequins and had low necklines, or were long and silk. This is me now. This is my life and there is nothing I can do about it because I need to live. 

The bathroom was almost as big as the bedroom, filled with makeup to hide who I really was away from the world. If it was any other place I would be overjoyed with all of the new things and I knew Aila would have been too. But it was here. With these people. 

I wonder if Aila had seen the news by now. She had to. I wonder if she cared or if she was still too caught up in her fantasies of me winning to care. 

I sighed and reached for the mascara. 

By the time I made my way to the main hall, almost all of the other girls were already there. I recognised a couple faces and waved to one of the girls I had seen crying last night. She gave me a small smile and I took that as an invitation to stand next to her. Being nice was the best way to stand out here. Susanna crept behind me right as Prince Nikolaus walked in. 

“Welcome ladies to your very first day in the Selection,” there were light claps before he continued again. “Your class today will be on royal history and you will have a written test at the end of the day. As for the lucky lady who gets to spend her lunch with me, that will be chosen now,” someone brought out a large crystal bowl filled with our names and he reached his hand in to draw a paper slip. “Susanna Knox.”

I could hear her sigh when she heard her name but I clapped and congratulated her on her way by anyway. This would make her an immediate target to the other girls. She shook the prince's hand and continued on with the rest of us into the classroom to the right of the hall. 

*   *   *

The class went by quicker than I thought it would. The teacher wore her hair in a bun so tight it smoothed out the wrinkles in her face. I tried to stay quiet in class after she hit a girl whose hair was bigger than her face for talking with a ruler, but Susanna made it hard. I learned that the quiet girl's name was Sage and she lived in the same district as Susanna. The more I talked to the redhead, the more she grew on me. She had the type of outgoing personality that drew everyone towards her. 

By the time we walked out of the classroom she was telling me all about her life. She lived on a big farm with her sisters and parents and traveled the world. I wish I had been able to live a life like that. Go wherever I want and never have to worry about money or food. 

She left for her lunch shortly after we began to talk, leaving Sage and I to ourselves. The silence without Susanna seemed to be louder than her when she wasn’t here. Sage just stood there quietly until I excused myself to my room. 

The marble staircase was surrounded by oil portraits of men whose faces were wrinkled everywhere but around their mouths. The same men who built our country up from the ground after the great war and the men whose whole lives we had to know, or else we could lose our own. It was ironic really. I brought my finger to the wall and felt it trail across the textured wallpaper as I continued to walk up the stairs. 

I slipped back into my room and heard the large ornate wooden door behind me. Now it was time to focus. 

The cramped room was filled with desks and chairs. Every inch seemed to be filled by a person or table. Susanna was back from her lunch but she didn’t seem like she wanted to talk about it. 

“Was he nice, did he talk to you?” Sage asked, not noticing Susanna's twisted facial features. Susanna shrugged her away and went to find a table. I shrugged and followed her. The other girls seemed to be making little groups too but I hadn’t heard anyone talk about the competition yet.  They also began to make their way over to the desks while our teacher from earlier handed us each a pencil and a closed booklet of paper. 

“Welcome to the first test of the Selection,” I began to hear the cameras circling around our heads, watching our every move. “For this section, you will answer questions about our country’s and your royal family’s past. The multiple choice test will last thirty minutes and the five girls placing last will be asked to leave the competition.” 

She said it so easily. Like one of us wasn’t about to be sent to our death over a history test. “And with that, let the test commence.”

What were the three original causes of the great war? Staring at the page made me glad I had put in extra time into studying. While we were a relatively new country, built from America’s remains, we had a complicated story which couldn’t all be learned in a couple of hours. Some of the girls to the side of me began to cry, suddenly realizing that this was real. 

This whole thing was real. 

I moved along through all of the questions without a problem and sat until the final bell rang. 

“Thank you ladies, you may now exit and the results will be announced at 5:00 tonight,” we filed out and Susanna found my side and began to talk immediately. 

“Yikes, that was rough.”

“Yeah. I wonder who’s going home,” I thought aloud. The silence as we walked back to our rooms was peaceful like we didn’t even need to talk. 

“I bet it’s that blonde girl. And Sage. I don’t like her. I feel like she follows me around but never says anything. It’s creepy.” 

She wasn’t wrong. That was something I picked up really quickly about her. She was never wrong. Sure she could be brutally honest, but wrong? Never. 

Susanna was right. Sage was sent home. She placed fourth to last so she would live another day but she still wasn’t here. I didn’t know the girl who placed last. She looked sweet but sometimes, sweet doesn’t equal smart and I guess that was her downfall. 

Hearing the announcement was like finally breathing again. At least for the next 24 hours anyway. 

The execution would commence at midnight tonight, but I didn’t plan on watching. How anyone would want to was beyond me. While at dinner I heard some of the girls talking about it. How they were excited. It was sickening. 

I immediately made the mental note to stay away from them because there’s no way someone who wanted an innocent girl dead so badly could be a good person. 

*   *   *

The second day went on almost the same way the first did. 

A two hour lesson, a new girl going to lunch, a written test and then some random girl I would never really know ending up dead. 

I spent all of my extra time with Susanna. It felt like I could spend hours everyday just looking into her deep brown eyes and listening to her life. I told her about Aila and my parents, who died before my sister could learn their names. How my old memories are the only thing she knows at all and carry her entire perspective on two whole people who had full lives and lived everyday with the people they loved most but yet are still defined to the only family they have left by the memories of a toddler. 

For the first time in my life I just felt listened to. Heard. I put my head on her shoulder and listened to my own heart beating out of my chest. 

There it was again.

That feeling that no matter what I couldn’t get rid of, or forget about or throw away. No matter what I did I would never be able to like the prince. 

The main hall looked empty now that it was missing ten of us. Instead of the extra people, today there were cameras. The past couple of days only the test was broadcasted but I guess today was different. Susanna walked in at the last possible second before start time as always. Her shoulder length hair was tied back and her dress was skintight and silver, the complete opposite of what she had worn this week. I felt her eyes go up and down my body, eying the black dress I had requested. She winked before turning and facing the prince. 

“Good morning ladies. Welcome to your third day in the palace. For some of you, it could be your last. However, that being said, today, we’re going to do things a little differently. Today, you will have a lesson on interview etiquette and then instead of a simple test, you’ll be interviewed live on camera and the audience will decide placings,” we all audibly gasped. “We will also be holding a banquet for the surviving 21 women tonight. As for lunch, today I am choosing who I would like to talk to. Madelyn Wakefield. You will join me today,” Susanna elbowed me and I just nodded. Well, that’s not going to go well. 

*   *   *

We were brought to a new room today. This one had more lights and a backdrop designed for asking us questions until we passed out. Which is exactly what they did. One of the brunettes I had seen talking about Sage was called up to demonstrate how we should behave and then we spent the next hour listening to her spit out answers about how rich she was and how she should win. 

The interviews themselves weren’t much different. They took place immediately after our lesson to maximize viewing time but these were even worse. 26 girls talking about themselves for five minutes straight. It was torture. 

“Susanna Knox.”

I watched my friend walk up to the stage. She talked so eloquently that I could tell the whole room was captivated by her just like I was. The time I spent listening to her went by far quicker than anyone else's interview. But I was jolted out of my trance when my name was called shortly after she returned to her seat next to me. 

“Madelyn Wakefield.” 

It was time to put my face back on. I plastered on a smile as I walked down the steps and felt all of the eyes on me. Not just the ones here but everyone around the country. This test wasn’t about learning, instead it was about making people you've never met fall in love with you. 

“Welcome Ms. Wakefield. How are you doing today?” a woman with a slicked back ponytail asked me.

“I’m great,” I responded. “I mean how could I not be in this gorgeous castle with all of these beautiful ladies and princes,” the crowd laughed, meaning I said something right. My shoulders relaxed back into the chair as she continued to talk to me. 

“Do you have anyone watching you from home?”

“I have my little sister Aila who just turned 14 this past year,” I turned towards the camera and waved, knowing she was waving back at me. “She is actually the whole reason I came here, I wasn’t planning on entering at all but she managed to convince me to at least try. Of course I never imagined I would ever end up here and I am so grateful I did.”

She continued to ask me questions and I continued to answer until the next girl was brought down and I returned to my seat. Now I just had to make it through lunch.

The prince was charming as always but he made little effort for small talk. By the way he was fidgeting his fingers, I could tell this was the first time I would hear him talk without a script. 

He brought me to a table outside and I’ll admit, it was nice to see the sun again. The food was already there for us and I quickly realized it was the same thing I ordered for myself every day. They were watching my order. He pulled my chair out for me and then continued to sit himself down at the small tea table. 

“I’ll get straight to the point with you,” he started off strong, very unlike the boy I had walked out here with. “You're the girl here I want,” my stomach dropped. There was no way I could get out of this that wouldn’t end up in my death except for playing along. 

“I’m so flattered, what did I do to deserve this honor?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. Sure you’re a pretty young lady I’ll give you that what I really like about you is your ability to lie. Everything you have done since setting foot in this castle has been to keep yourself alive and I admire that. You’re the only one here who has the acting skills to pretend to be in love with someone you’re not for the rest of your life,” my eyes widened at everything he had just said to me but what hurt the most is he was right. I would do anything to ensure Aila and I were set for life. And this is what it would take. It’s not like I’d be able to marry the person I love anyway. 

“What do I have to do?” I asked.

“Here are the answers to the remaining tests. Get yourself to the final 6 and I’ll handle the rest from there. Don’t tell anyone else about our conversation because I promise you, I will find out. We have cameras everywhere here,” With that, he threw a paper packet on the table and left. And just like that, I was set to be the next queen of Illéa.

As expected, neither Susanna or I were eliminated and once again, we found ourselves sitting in her room. I didn’t tell her about my talk with the prince, instead all I said was he was lovely and I hoped to marry him one day. It’s weird having to continue to play the game with the person you care about most in the world. But a deal is a deal. 

“You know I don’t think I would ever be able to live here. Even if I loved Nikolaus, this place is too big and empty to ever be a home to me,” she told me. “But I guess that’s just because I would never be able to love Nikolaus anyway.”

She felt the same way. 

“You know I always did believe a home was a person. When you really love someone, I think you could live anywhere. Even here in this deathtrap,” I leaned towards her. Even if I was going to be forced into marriage, maybe just this once.

“I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with anything you’ve ever said more. I mean if we lived together, we’d make a great home,” she whispered in my ear. 

“If only things worked like that.” 

“They could,” she told me right before she placed her fingers on my chin and leaned in and kissed me. 

The deep forest color of my dress stood out amongst the other light colored dresses at the banquet. The silk corset hugged my hips and then continued with flowing fabric down to my ankles. Susanna’s scarlet red cocktail dress contrasted mine perfectly. I sipped on my champagne and tugged at the pearl necklace I had extra tight around my neck like a choker. 

The other women danced around and talked amongst themselves until the prince walked in. It was like they were fighting for his attention the second he came into view. Little did they know none of them would ever have a chance with him. 

For once in my life, everything was perfect. Aila would never go hungry again. I would never have to work to keep a roof over our heads. And for once in my life, I was able to kiss a girl and not worry about the consequences that came with it.

I heard Nikolaus grab the microphone and begin to speak into it. 

“Welcome everyone to the halfway point. 15 of you have already been eliminated and those of you still remaining are the best of the best. I was going to come up here and tell you that I had already chosen my future wife and the rest of you could go home now however, after some recent information has come to light, I have decided to continue the competition with a few new additions,” He knew. He knew. “Two of you will be leaving us tonight and joining the young lady who lost earlier this morning tonight however this time not as a sacrifice, but as offenders of treason,” the crowd gasped but I was stuck in place. “Madelyn, my former future wife, can you imagine how disappointed I was when I found out that even after our arrangement, you still went behind my back and kissed one of your fellow competitors?”
My knees were weak at the sound of his voice. I really messed up. I should have been more careful but instead, both of us would face the ultimate punishment and I would never see my sister again. 

“So tonight at midnight, please join me in celebrating the executions of your own kind, Madelyn Wakefield and the girl she brought down with her from her own ambition, Susanna Knox,” he moved to leave the room while everyone else stood in silence but stopped before me. “Remember, there are cameras everywhere.”

My own reflection wasn’t my own. I had been thrown in my room and heard the door look behind me. There was nothing I could do. I was too high up to be able to jump out the window and survive, there were no doors out. No one was coming to save me. I grabbed at the pearl chain around my neck and pulled it until it broke. It was then that I chose what I was going to do. 

The metal flower pot was the heaviest thing I could find. I’m really doing this aren’t I. I put it up above my head, and threw it at the mirror in front of me as hard as I could. 

The glass lay in pieces at my feet and on the counter. Perfect. This sheer desperation controlled what I was about to do and scared me more than anything else in the world but it would also allow me to be able to control the rest of my life.

Dear God,

Please keep Aila safe. Please let her find someone to love her and support her the way I once was able to. Forgive me for what I am about to do but know that it is the only way I can go out not because of the hatred this country holds. Forgive me for what I did to Susanna because she didn’t deserve to be brought down with me and please let her find peace in her final moments.

Thank you for the time I spent here.

I grabbed the sharpest piece of glass I could find and held it above my wrist. I filled my lungs with air one final time before bringing it down to my vein and letting everything go.