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Paralyzed
If I could change one thing from my past, I would change the fact that I forgot what hope is. My name is Delilah. I'm paralyzed from the waist down from when I was thrown off of my horse, Capri, into a wall. I’ve decided to start writing in a journal to get everything out. All of the counselors that my siblings and friends have tried to get me to talk to have never helped.
It started six months ago, I was as happy as could be and felt like I was on top of the world. I was just training as usual, when out of nowhere it started storming. My coach and I thought it was fine and we could keep practicing, so we did. The storm got worse and worse, but I kept going. There was a big crack of thunder, my horse spooked while airborne over a jump. Everything happened so fast. I started to lose balance, then next thing I knew I hit the wall, and on my way down Capri’s front legs slammed into my back.
I woke up in the hospital and asked what had happened. The doctor said that my coach had called 911, that she had saved my life, and that I had been unconscious for three days. They did tests after I woke up and discovered that I was paralyzed, I was heartbroken. My doctor called my parents to tell them what had happened to me, after a minute or two he came back into the room to give the phone to me. The conversation I had with them was just as bad as being told I was paralyzed.
“Why did you do this to us, how could you be paralyzed!”
“I didn’t mean to, how can you be mad at me!”
“How are we going to deal with a kid that’s paralyzed.”
“You shouldn’t be mad, I don’t even live with you guys anymore, you don’t have to do anything for me!”
“That’s right we don’t, we don’t want anything to do with you anymore!”
“Are you disowning me!”
“Sure, if that’s what you want!”
I ended the call, I can’t believe they just did that! At least I still had my siblings. My brother, Hunter, is seven years older than me, and my sister, Willa, is two years younger than me. I am currently twenty-two. In the hospital my coach, Violet, and my brother and sister came to visit me every single day.
I finally get to go home today. It’s like being freed from a prison of white walls, tubes, and needles in your arm. I’ve been learning how to get around in my wheelchair, my new way of walking. Being paralyzed is like being trapped inside your own body. My brother is taking me out to lunch before I go home, i’ve been stuck with trying to swallow hospital food without throwing up for the past six months.
As we pulled into my driveway I was so happy to be home that I almost started crying. Some of my friends ended up coming over to celebrate, but after that I had an early night.
The first thing I asked my brother to do when he came over this morning, was to take me to go see Capri.
As he wheeled me around the corner to Capri’s stall, I kept telling him to move faster. Capri stuck her head out of her stall as soon as I called her name, she nudged me and neighed in happiness. I spent the whole day with Capri, I brushed her until she was completely spotless.
I’m starting to get mad at myself, why did I have to keep riding in the storm. I’m never going to be able to ride her again. Why do I need to live anymore if i can’t do what I love. Am I just supposed to live in misery. I don’t want to be alive anymore
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to get out of bed anymore. I was awake all night beating myself up for something I can’t fix. The doctor said it’s pretty much impossible that I will be able to walk again, even more to be able to ride again.
I couldn’t sleep tonight either. Hunter has had to bring food to me, I refuse to get out of bed.
I’ve lost hope, i'm never going to get better, nothing is going to change, i’m never going to be happy again.
Hunter got me out of bed, but I refused to leave the house, but he has convinced be to go see Capri after hours of trying.
Once I got to the barn she was out in the fields. I called her name and she came trotting over to the fence, grass falling out of her mouth. It made me laugh, which was surprising because I haven’t even been able to smile in the past couple of days. I realised that maybe if I really try and am optimistic maybe I will get better, who knows. So that’s what i’m going to do, never lose hope again.
I think losing hope has put me in my lowest point I have ever been in, I wanted to die, I felt like there was no point of living.
I finally learned what hope is again, and i’ve been optimistic. I’ve been working in physical therapy a lot recently, and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY, I was able to feel people touching my legs, I GAINED SENSATION IN MY LEGS. Maybe me life won’t be a waste. Maybe I will get better!
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