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Suzy big nose and days till eighteen
Author's note:
Rahmat Asuni is an avid writer and researcher who enjoys wring about sciences, social topics, human nature and many other topics.
Day 1
It’s summer, specifically June, soon I will be eighteen in August. I rarely celebrate birthdays, especially mine because I have no reasons to. I got this diary in July, last year but I never made use of it. My mother had gotten the book from the store. She thought that it was a notebook while shopping for school supplies and gave it to me. I took it to my room and laughed at the thought of jotting down my feelings in a diary. I mean I already had an emotional notebook, I was too wimpy to actually use a book that had any title as a diary. I guess I’ve changed now, I mean this diary barely looks like a diary, the top is not dated, as it gives me space to add whatever I want. I know you are wondering why, I finally decided to write to you after almost a year of discarding you. Well I’ll tell you later because I do not trust you to keep my secrets, well at least for now. I know that you are a special diary, you probably have eyes looking at me, my pen and my room while I write to you. I wonder if you can understand my feelings. Do I look pretty to you? I bet I don’t, I probably look pretty ugly today or maybe it’s everyday?
It’s currently night and I randomly decided that I wanted to write to you. I don’t know what I’m thinking but I know that I need to tell you something, something other than the first thing. This is a secret that nobody else knows about me. The truth is that I’m addicted. Wait! Not to drugs or anything like that but to something more sexual, I don’t want to get into the details because I’m not sure if I can trust you yet, maybe after sometime. I think I ought to go to sleep, my eyes are lazy and writing in you makes my hands hurt. I can tell you one more thing before I go to sleep. Do you wanna know? Well, I’ll tell you anyway my head and my heart feel heavy. I've been crying all day. Something happened earlier and even now I can't get it out of my head. I’m thinking of ending the misery. Don’t think that far ahead, Diary. I like you, good night.
Day 2
If I had a penny for everytime my mother apologized for how she’s treated me, I would have no pennies.
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5
Day 6
Sorry, Diary
I haven’t named you yet, it’s hard for me to write to you everyday but I’ll try. I promise to keep you company everyday even if it’s only for a little bit. Hmm, I think I have a name for you. I want you to have a unique name, something not many people have. Hmm, maybe Adunni, you make me happy so it makes sense. I searched up this name and not many people have it, so I like it. Well today I am a bit sad. I don’t want you to think that I only talk to you when I’m sad but it’s just that I need you more when I’m. Oh, nevermind that sounds horrible now that I think of it.
Maybe I should leave you. I'll tell you more tomorrow.
Day 7
It’s been summer for a while now but I’m doing a Senior summer camp. My last year of high school was horrible. I asked Jim to prom but he rejected me, I cried a lot but what can I say. I’m not an attractive girl so of course I was rejected.
Why do I place so much of my worth on whether Jim likes me or not?
I mean I’ve liked Jim since the sixth grade. He used to make fun of me and bully me but people always told me that the reason why he bullied me was because he liked me. Now I know that was a lie. I feel so stupid because every single time he would make fun of me, I would smile. I waited many years for him to finally ask me out but it never happened and now I’ve graduated high school with nothing to prove for myself.
What a waste, mom is mad at me because I had promised that I would get into a top school but now I’m going to the local community college. I feel embarrassed because Jim got into Harvard, I’m nowhere near his level.
Why couldn’t I be smart?
Why couldn’t I be pretty?
Day 8
At the college summer camp, I saw Jim and he was with Rachel, I guess they are dating now. Rachel is a nice girl but I sorta hate her because she’s pretty and smart. When Jim rejected me in front of everyone she was the first one to run to the bathroom to help me. I waved at her when I saw her and she waved back and for the first time I felt like I had a friend even though I knew that I was jealous of her.
Day 9
Jim didn’t come to the college camp today, so Rachel invited me to sit with her. She was fun to talk to, so I can see why Jim liked her. She really had it all, looks, personality, and smarts. The perfect daughter that my mother would have wanted.
In four days, the college camp would be over and I would have to go back to sulking in my room while I thought about all the dumb things that I had done and how I wished that I could change everything.
Day 10
Mom apologized for putting pressure on me and said that she wished for my happiness.
Day 11
Jim was back at the camp and he kept staring at me. He didn’t say a word to me though, so I figured that he was just staring at my looks with his friends.
High school was practically behind me but I still had the mentality of a High school freshman.
Day 12
Today was the last day of the college camp.
Jim kissed me!
Day 13
I don’t know how to deal with the fact that Jim… I’m not sure what to say or do but he sent me a message and I’m not even sure how he got my number. I decided to ignore it.
Day 14
In ten days I will be eighteen but I still feel thirteen. I went shopping with my mom today. Some stranger complimented her but looked past me. As the person walked away, I grabbed my nose and a tear almost dropped from my eye.
Every single time we went out together it was always like this. Compliments for my mom and none for me, and every single time it would happen I would just stand there.
I was too tall for a girl, my nose was too big for a girl, my forehead was also too big for a girl, apparently I wasn’t viewed as beautiful or feminine like my mother.
Like always, a tear would drop and after the outing I would head to my room to let out my tears. I always wonder whether a nose job would make me happier. I pinched my nose and tried to watch videos on how to get a smaller nose without surgery or how to get shorter without surgery but none of it ever worked.
Day 15
My mom decided to sunrise me by buying me makeup and she thought that it could help my self confidence.
“Take it” she said, as she handed me the makeup kit.
Day 16
Jim continuously texted me but I knew that he was still with Rachel and it would have been wrong to reply. The kiss was wrong and so would talking to him, but I didn’t care. Rachel was a nice girl who had it all so I felt that it was my turn to get the guy.
Day 17
I decided to give makeup a try. So I watched tutorials on it. I hadn’t texted Jim the whole day and I didn’t plan to.
Day 18
Nothing special happened today but for the first time in a long time I felt happy and at peace.
Day 19
I had dinner with my family for the first time in a long time. My dad was always too busy with work but for the first time in a long time he wasn’t. A part of me hated my dad, because he was always busy but I enjoyed his company especially when we had family dinners.
Day 20
My school hosted a farewell dinner today. My mom offered me a beautiful dress and did my makeup. I felt beautiful and wanted Jim to see me looking just as good as Rachel. I planned to avoid Rachel at the dinner but she offered me a seat at her table. Of course Jim was there and I could feel him staring at me. Rachel complimented my dress and makeup, it seemed that everyone at the table also agreed.
The principal said his farewells to each one of us and made sure to tell us that now that we were no longer students in high school, we were adults but the word “adult” always scared me. It was fear, it was doubt, and it was hurt.
At the end of the dinner when Rachel went to use the restroom, Jim pulled me aside. He complimented my looks and said, “You are the prettiest girl I've ever seen!” But I knew it was a lie or atleast I wanted it to be because for so long no one had ever complimented me or made me feel pretty.
Rachel’s eyes and I met, as I saw her stare at Jim and I. I couldn’t stand it so I walked away from Jim. The smile that had been on her face was now gone and I felt bad. I thought that if I had the guy, it wouldn’t be my fault but I felt guilty.
Day 21
Jim texted me to check on me and for the first time we spoke on the phone. It felt nice but again I knew that it was wrong but I couldn’t dare ask if he was with Rachel because if that was true then I was officially doing something wrong.
Day 22
I decided to join a forum where I could express my emotions and get advice on things that I didn’t quite understand yet. I made a friend on the forum named, Linads, she told me that she was from the Democratic Republic of Congo or the DRC. I had never heard of such a country before but now I have a friend from there.
We talked about things, only people like us would understand, insecurities. In my opinion a perfect person with a perfect life could never understand what I was going through. I realized that may have been the reason why I struggled to befriend Rachel even though she had always tried to be my friend.
Day 23
I decided to end things with Jim because I knew it was wrong to do what I was doing to Rachel. Linads was right, Jim wasn’t the only boy in the world and with college right around the corner I would find a new space, my space in society.
Day 24
It’s my birthday!
I was now eighteen but I had no plans to celebrate. I wanted to stay in my room all day to sleep and eat but my mom had other plans. She decided to invite over some “friends” but I was confused because I had no friends at school. She told me to get dressed so I did, just in case she wasn’t joking and someone was actually coming.
Two hours later, Rachel, Jim, and some others arrived at my house. None of those people were my friends so it surprised me that my mom would have invited those people to my house.
"I like you," Jim said. "And we are throwing you a party!"
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